Discussion On Relationships

Relationships are hard no matter who we are but relationships for gay men of color seem to be more challenging than what most of us are up to ! And yet the advent of AIDS has driven many of us to seek the peace of mind and comfort that a stabile relationship brings. We all dream of a  Mr. Right that we can settle down with and build a life around. But for many of us the dream is slipping and it seems that there are no clear answers to why finding that special someone is so difficult. Many have blamed interracial dating and a shortage of men but in reality those factors have little bearing on the dynamics of black relationships as a whole or in the long run. After all the majority of us have been in relationships and we can hardly blame white people or there not being enough black men to go around for the relationship not working out. If we are  honest we can see that there were differences that just couldn't be worked out. It is these differences that this forum would  like to focus on.

But do we care anymore about commitment?  Is being in a monogamous relationship even important to most gay black men at this point? From the way things look like it is easy to believe otherwise. 

AIDS is ravaging the black community as a whole now despite the apparent facts known to us all.  And having one night stand after one night stand is not helping us. But how do we break the cycle when it seems like nobody even cares anymore?  

 

DISCUSSION

Why do you feel relationships are so difficult for gay men of color? Is it because its unnatural and two men cant sustain a monogamous relationship? Are all men dogs? Lets us know what you think by clicking here. Omit your email address to remain anonymous

 

 

From NubianPrince

I've been reading a lot of the thoughts by the contributors to the Relationship Forum.  I am 56, having come out "back in the day" during the 1970s. There were many common threads in the comments, and what showed up for me was a universal law:  the Law of Attraction. 

Whatever we think about the most and feel about the most, we attract into our lives--every time.  If we focus on what we really want (whatever that is in our lives), get very clear about it, and give it our undivided attention, it will show up, and what we don't want falls away.  However, we often focus our energy on what we don't want (thinking about it, constantly talking about it), and then wonder why it keeps showing up (the wrong kind of men, for example).  The Law of Attraction doesn't care if it's something we want or don't want; it responds to the thoughts,energy and feelings we put out there and sends it to us.  Whatever we focus on with a lot of passion makes things happen even faster.  Upon close personal examination in previous relationships, I could see where my own attitudes brought about situations I didn't want, and I accept responsibility for that.  

As far as relationships go, they will be as easy or as difficult as we think and claim them to be--either way, we're right.  We cannot control other people, no matter how hard we try.  We do, however, have the power for our own happiness.  We must become the change we want to see.  Many brothas on this forum have said that we must love ourselves, and I agree.  We must treat ourselves the way we want to be treated, doing those things that make us feel good and give us joy, and be grateful for what we already have.  I have learned that loving myself means giving to myself, having a healthy self-respect and regard.  It serves to shift my energy and the environment around me. It overflows to our other significant relationships. And it all begins by shifting our thoughts.  

Yes, I believe that two brothas can sustain a successful marriage/relationship (one of my cousins and his partner will soon celebrate their 25th anniversary together).  For those of us that want that "good man" the Law of Attraction works on the principle of "ask, believe and receive": 1) ask for what we want and be very clear about it 2) believe that we will receive it and that we deserve it 3) receive it--behave as if we already have it.  Personally, I'd add a fourth step: make sure our actions don't contradict our wishes/desires.  

I appreciated those who stated those personal qualities that are essential to a successful relationship (trust, love, communication, friendship). I would add this:  let us be mindful on what we focus on when it comes to our partners.  When we focus on his strengths and what we love and appreciate about him, we'll get more of that.  When we focus on his faults, we'll get more of what we're complaining about.  

I acknowledge that as African-Americans we've had unique challenges in our history in this country.  Mentally, however, we don't have to stay in past negativity or allow circumstances to impact our personal futures unless we want to stay there.  

Whether we do or don't have that successful relationship with that special partner/husband/soulmate is largely up to us.   We're the ones in the driver's seat.  There is so much good out there waiting for us.  And we deserve it.  

Thanks for the opportunity to share.  And thanks to the brotha who made this site possible.

 

From: HeSpeaks  

Well, I think it's many factors that influence our inability to sustainlove and stable relationships.  But first we need to be real and understand that whether gay or str8, black individuals have a different take on love than any other ethnicity.  Becuase of the past (SLAVERY), we have been social programmed to behave a certain way, and some have yet to de-program themselves.  But that's another topic for another day or maybe it's not (from my viewpoint).  I honestly think that the forced isolation of fathers from their sons stripped black men of the desire to raise their sons.  Again, this is an example of the social programming we have yet to fix.  The absence of a male figure willing to show you love and attention(normal stuff, no sexually misleading action such as rape or pedephilia) makes you search for that missing love and affection from another source, namely another male.   Then one must also consider the enigma that society, especially African American society, attaches to homosexuality.  It amazes me that we will support everything from criminals to rapists to pimps and drug pushers, but we, as black people, shun homosexuality and all of its paraphanelia.  I have yet to conclude where this disdain for human beings comes from, but i know that it exists and it poisons the gay/sgl scene as well (in terms of AIDS). As i mentioned before, I feel that every, or most, homosexual men suffer from a longing of a natural male love.  When i say this, I mean the unconditional love and attention from a male figure in their life.  I certainly feel that this is where my sexual preference comes into play as a consequence, being a child of a single parent( you guessed it - fatherless) household.   But again this is just my opinion.  Respond accordingly.  and thank you for giving me the opportunity to voice my opinion.  furthermore, thank you if you took the time to examine this response.

 

From supblk

I feel that black brotha's have baggage that no other race could ever understand. From a young age we have had to deal with one being a stereotype of the black male that white society has put on us, then two being gay and that stereotype alone in the black culture is full of hate. So when we look for love its too often to soothe the pain we have had to face and thats not the reason we should seek love but it usually is the only way to find comfort from the demons we possess inside. All our lives we have heard fag,queer,punk,sissy, from our fathers,grandfathers,uncles,preachers,teachers,all of the people we have respected.  What respect can a young black male have for himself when all that he is has been explained and shown to him to be evil and wrong. Until, we as men can heal that and understand that we arent wrong for having these feelings and learn to respect one!
another we cant love or be loved. I challenge all black men if you come across the young black man new to this lifestyle guide him and be a role model to him. So few of us have had that in our lives, as gay men we couldnt turn to dad or an uncle to get relationship advice.  So we need to be the father figures or the brother figures in  young gay black mens lives. It could end up making you a better person. Love is learned by example and how many of us can say we had any examples of gay loving relationships. Thanks for reading I truly hope some of the readers take this and guide some young gay black man struggling to find himself.

Email: rstyle99@hotmail

Subject: BLACK FORUM

feedback: I feel that the biggest problem in black gay relationships is selfishness.  Example, someone I know cheated on his 2 year lover with about four guys.  He said that he wasn't getting enough from his lover and that he doesn't know how to grow with him.  So many times guys tend to forget that they have mothers and sisters.  To say that you need to cheat because you have a need that isn't being fufilled is one thing, but if you really love your partner, you would never hurt them by making them have no trust.  Trust is the number 1 element of a relationship.  Gay relaitonships would be so simple if we all stopped for a moment and said to ourselves, "Would I want someone to treat my mother or sisters the way that I have treated my lover".  If we were to say this, we would be more sensative to our mates and the relationship.  I also feel that more websites should be developed soley for black men who are ONLY interested in relationships (NO FUCK TALK ALLOWED).  This would be a great start.

Email: kharie25@yahoo


Most people agree that the ability to effectively communicate with others can have a huge impact on interpersonal relationships. Learning how to say what you mean in a way that others will understand can eliminate many stresses on relationships. Take a look at our favorite tips for general communication, communicating in disagreements, and communicating about sex. In General Communication: 1. Be aware of Non-Verbal Signals. Our body language-facial expressions, posture, eye contact all change the meaning given to our words. Our voice expressions-tone, volume, rhythm all show the feeling in our words. Work to match your non-verbal communication with what you are saying so that your message carries the meaning what you want. 2. Listen. Indicate that you are paying attention by nodding your head or using brief statements. Do not interrupt when you are listening. Let the speaker finish speaking before you jump in. Keep an open mind and be non-judgmental. 3. Paraphrase and ask questions. Repeat back what you think you've heard someone say and use summary statements. Ask questions to clarify statements. These techniques help you to avoid misunderstandings. In an Argument or Disagreement: 1. Delay your reactions. Don't jump to conclusions. Give yourself time to process what was said and understand the speaker's feelings before you respond. Wait until you have all the information before you make inaccurate assumptions. 2. Don't make generalizations. Be specific and direct. Concentrate on this particular personal issue. Do not change the subject-stick to the issue until it is resolved. 3. Use "I" statements. "I" statements help to express your own feelings, attitudes and desires. Using these types of messages will avoid putting the other person on the defensive. Saying things like "I am feeling unhappy." allows you to express your feelings without criticizing the other person. About Sex: 1. Discuss sex, abstinence, and safer sex. You have the right to decide whether or not you want to have sex, and you should discuss this decision either way. If you decide not to have sex, talk about this with your partner. If the other person do not respect your decision, then he/she is not respecting you. If you decide you might want to have sex, plan a time to talk about what you want before you are intimately involved. Be honest about your sexual history and your sexual health. Discuss and make mutual decisions on your safer sex options. Go together to get tested for sexually transmitted infections. 2. Seek clarification. If you are getting mixed messages about what another person wants, especially if it is during sex, ask about these messages. It can be sexy to ask someone what she/he wants-be specific. If someone isn't sure whether they want to do something or not, assume the answer is no and stop. It is okay to wait until you are sure. 3. "NO" can be said many ways. "No" never means "maybe" or "yes." Silence is not consent-if your partner is not responding, stop and ask whether what you are doing is ok. To give consent, a person must be physically and mentally capable of making the decision-if a person is unconscious, intoxicated, or under the influence of drugs, she/he cannot give consent.

Email: pearson5952


feedback: Black on Black Gay love is decresing and black love among us males is at a stand still cause most brothas want to date the white boys because they think it will change who they are.they will take him out to dinner flowers,and when they see us(black males)on the street and theyre with theyre white lovers they will roll theyre eyes i see it as the willie lynch theory of turning brothas against eachother.they will be faithful to that white boy but mess all over us.but if you get a brotha whos proud of who he is not afraid to show his humor when he see youcarrying something he helps you carry it.or if you down hes there never asking once for sex.then you know that you found him bottom line two emotially strong brothas thats real with each other and the world .it can work cause if your not honest with your self on who you are then you going to go out and cheat and pretend nothing happened.brothas need to stick togther sistas to.you dont see many gay sistas going outside the line and putting down thyre women.cause sistas are stronger emtionally there for it lasts longer than much of ours.iam a 23yearold male and iam alone im just starting to learn the value of a relationship I met this guy who I worked with and he was so sweet toward me.personlity is what drew me to him the other things didnt matter because when you get together you can work hard and get the things you want.but when i got fired from my job i realized what coulve been I shoulve acted sooner seen him earlier today and we talked but the thing that made me say alright this is weird when i first gave this brotha my number he had his girlfrien to call and ask was I interested in him cause he was shy.then I started to back awAy but hes the sweetest most caring individual I ever met and seeing him for the first time in 5months made me realize how much i missed him he looks like hes in a bad situation that he want to get out of he looks sad and confused.Iam writing for advice and to share my thoughts and advice yall can write me at pearson595@aol.com  stay black and proud my brothas and nobody else let us stand up and be who we were born black men loving black men we need to concentration on love amonst ourselves before think about stepping outside. theres a problem with that so we need to address that then maybe we can talk about coming together with other races unity starts at home not on the other side of the fence tonight ask yourselves would you water the soil before you plant your seeds or would you first dig up your dry dirt then plant your seeds so a garden may grow and flourish thats us we tend to water the soilthen plant the seeds you start with soil then you plant and grow as a gay community not only gay but hetero,bi ect.peace brothas the race has not we need help over the finish line to win pull and you shall see rewards of a brighter future.

Email: brojohnb@worldnet

Subject: BLACK FORUM

feedback: Maleness is as much biological as it is pyschological-basically we are prisoners of our DNA and as such have been physically programmed to have a roving eye.Gay relationships have even less success because culturally we are still viewed as emotionally sick.All this prevents most gay relationships from remaining monagamous.These relationships fall a part the moment the concept of "open relationship" rears it's ugly head.Let's face it-we are basically sluts and will occassionally roam-dooming all relationships.Lesbian marriages are more apt to work because biologically,women have had to remain faithful for reproductive reasons-as in protection of the offspring. .Even this is changing though and many such relationships are experiencing the same male problems.

Email: troydaniels@blackmen.com

Subject: BLACK FORUM

feedback: all of the reasons your spoke of.  but i think mostly fear, lack of dialogue, fear of being honest with oneself and each other, living behind false personas that could possibly dictate ones behavior so many questions  maybe because men are afraid to love each other without having to enage themselves physically   I was reviewing some of  the personal ads on the site.  I was kind of freaked out that a kid 23 mentioned what he was up for and stated that he was hiv positive.  i grew up not ever thinking that if i wanted  to make love to someone that I may die, that time im afraid has long since gone /   I think  lack of reverence for the life that God gave us.  Its hard not to ttalk about things from the past ....slavery and the impact it still has on blackmen today.  Im closing out now , got some writing to do.  Peace

From Realbrutha2000@bminternet

I think two black men can make a monogamous relationship work if that is what both men want. I feel the problem is that too many guys are dishonest about what they really want. If you only want to have sex than that is what you should tell the person you are persuing. It's pretty fucked up when you lead a guy into thinking you want a relationship and allow him to fall in love with you when all you want is a romp in the hay. Bruthas need to be honest about their shit. I was in a relationship with this guy for two years and he ended the relationship alleging he was struggling with being gay and wanted out of the gay life. While I sat and waited and even tried to help him through this struggle, he was doing his thing with other guys. Even to the point where he got sick and he himself wasn't sure as to whether or not he was HIV+. All he had to do was!
be honest and say he wanted some new dick. Maybe it would still hurt the way it does now but at least I would not have been dragged along through a bunch of bullshit. I wish we could be like the women. Gay girls have the right idea about relationships. Get to know the person first and fuck later. Whereas gay men do it the oposite way, fuck first and get to know the person MAYBE.
I guess I sound bitter but I'm really hurting.
Nevertheless, I think two black bruthas can have a long lasting and meaningful relationship True friendship and honesty are the key. I wish I had that. I thought I did.

From himemya@aol

Black men are so into the Big dick syndrom and the top Bottom thing they can't see the forest before they hit the Bolders! So very many of my brothers don't want to see that the person who you are hanging out with is sometimes more than a close friend, I mean a versitile person who has a good friendship with a total bottom won't even think about approching that person. 
We are so into Thugs and being on the Dl that we become desprately lonely. I see it in the personals every time I feel hurt by life, I see people needing that hug or just a little bit of affection that I am getting in my own way and I don't mean sexually!!! We are not looking to ourselves our families and friends to heal the pains of love jumpiing back into relationships or going back to relationships that aren't worth our time effort and energy. I personally think I am a decent lookiing brother with butter pecan skin bedroom brown eyes and a love to see other people laugh and happy, But people never think I am a person worth dating or spending time getting to know. That is because I have no hang-ups I am a free spirate who girls love and guys fear or something I don't want to think about:-/ 
Hay we need to see each other as worth while and even if you don't see after time a person can't bend and become closer to what you are ( because if you truly love a person then change will come naturally, without warning or trying ) making that person a better person balancing you and bringing them even closer to you. 
I wish I could have met someone with the mentality I have now I would worship the ground they walk on Especially if they were a friend who helped me be a better man than what other people think from what they see!!!!

S-K-Y 

From BPamoja@aol

Simply, relationships for gay men of color are as problematic as any relationship. The problems originate from the idea of fear - fear of our emotional selves not being understood/accepted. EMOTIONS play a strong part and FEAR, the counterpart. If men (anyone) could only venture into the emotional arena without fear of being criticized for what they are feeling, I strongly believe there would be less friction and more acceptance. We would discover how vast and independent are feelings are. They usually have nothing to do with anyone else but everything to do with our life experience to date. It is the honest sharing of these experiences that enables a relationship to bond and thus maintain itself. Honesty, though it can be shocking at first, is still the best policy. The person who can be honest reaps the best rewards. It takes courage, and everyone, as you !
know, do not possess this magical ingredient... Do you?

From madfrk9@aol

My 3 yr relationship came to an end 2 months ago. Loking back at it, I realized that there are a lot of baggage/problems that never gets addressed. Sometimes we're not comfortable with who and what we are. Other times we let others define us. It's hard enough being a young gay brotha, without all the other shit in the mix. We need to know ourselves before we get into situations with others. Our hearts are in the right place, but that's not enough. My problem was not taking enought time to really get to know all I could about the brotha. Live and Learn!!

From hirtes@hotmail

Retrospectively, looking at the situation one can come up with my applicable reasons as to why GBM(gay black men)or MC(men of color) cannot sustain a healthy relationship, but in my twenty-five years of living I have seen many loves lost and many gained. The only palable problem that I see is that many GBM/MC usually are seeking Mr. Right, when a Mr. Right does not exist. I have been down that road and was sourly disappointed. We as men of color concern ourselves with the mere fact of who is a top and who is a bottom instead of going into the relationship with a clear-eyed view of how we can love our mate and how the two of us can make each other happy. Then after we leave that point we run into the essence of how much money the person has and what kind of car he drives. If we one can get pass that he and his lover, partner, significant other, boyfriend, etc. co! uld be on there way to a positive relationship, where both of them would be satisfied. One thing we must do, is we must let the other person know what we want, what we are seeking from the start. Do not go falsely into a relationship.

From Lex_lion@bellsouth

Why do I think relationships are difficult for men of color?
First, I think we tend to approach a relationship with other men, with the male/female mentallity. We automatically assume roles in the relationship. A different approach must be taken. We have to realize we are not dealing with our opposite, but, our equal. Which entails alot of compromise on both parts. There can be no dominance in a successful gay relationship. 

From anonymous

I feel it's hard for two men or color to date, because so many of us don't know what we want in a relationship. A lot of these men are confused and they view sex as the ultimate asset from a gay relationship. Once you make it clear that you're not looking for sex, they are intimedated by you and feel like you're asking for too much. 

Another reason why we can't connect is the Hip Hop culture. A lot of people look up to these rap stars and feel ashamed by their lifestyle...when nobody's truly that hard to begin with. I feel a lot of black men are missing our fathers and we don't know how to relate to men. We find love in anything from sex to fighting, so I really think we should concentrate on loving each other and one day we'll find the truth!

From EBONYGQ@AOL

Why do you feel relationships are so difficult for gay men of color? 

I must say this is an excellent forum of discussion and we can all learn from each other here. Here is my take on the brotha to brotha relationships and why they don't seem to last. 

I have been in this life for about 2 years now and I have learnt quite alot. On my entrance I was oblivious to alot of what I now know and have learned, almost naive you can say. However, I have learnt from mistakes and experiences, and have no regrets, they problems I have encountered have made me a stronger brotha. The brothas who have tried to unsuccessfully play me or hurt me in some way, I thank you for preparing me for what I have now become, I am well informed and knowledgeable, grounded black man with the ability to truly love and realize that no one is perfect.

I find that brothas often work "backwards" in this life. They get to sex far too soon, before they have really gotten to know each other. Usually the resultant is enjoyable sex, but the thrill of pursuing something further and more serious and long-term is lost. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. It always seem to go like this:
Sunday they meet (maybe online); Monday they may meet in person, go out; by Tuesday they dating and in a relationship (having sex); Wednesday they in love; Thursday they are unhappy; Friday it is all over, Saturday they no longer even speak to each other. 
Of course, this scenario is played out over a span of weeks, maybe months. As the song says, "Take time to know him"
I believe that we should not actively look for love, let love find you. When you look for love you usually find it in all the wrong places and in the wrong people. In the mean time, one needs to work and focus on oneself, we are all works-in-progress and everyday we need to better our selves. That way when that special someone comes along and discover the gem that you are, you will be able to truly give and accept love. 

Many brothas need to first learn to love themselves and set standards for themselves. It is okay to have high standards, I most certainly do. Just be patient and maintain the idea that you deserve the best. I do not believe in this Mr. Right, and do not settle for Mr. Right now; I do believe in Mr. RIGHT FOR YOU. Before you can think of having a long-term relationship, we must first deal with our past, rid yourself of past hurts and try your best to free yourself of the baggage that you bring to new relationships and situation. Never compare new loves with past loves, everyone is different, and we all have good qualities and are unique in our own light. Many times brothas attract those with qualities and faculties that they themselves lack. You need to be a whole person, and not expect that brotha to fill those voids and areas that you lack. A relationship requires a 110% by both parties, not just 50-50. 

In reading, I saw quite a few blanket statements and generalizations made. We need to view each person as an individual. Do not give someone the power to treat you as anything less than what you are. You give them permission to be unfaithful to you, if they cheated once; they will more than likely do it again. I live by the philosophy:" First time a victim, Second time a volunteer." Brothas do not volunteer your heart to be broken by the same person twice; you would deserve it if you allow it to continue. I do not buy this deal of brothas saying they slept with someone by mistake. A condom cannot fall out of the sky by mistake onto someone's penis, nor can you fall up in someone's ass or vice-versa by mistake. We need to take more accountability for our actions. When you repeated accept this behavior, you deserve it, and need to check yourself as more than likely you are lacking in self-esteem and think that you do not deserve better. 

Relationships need validation, mutual respect, and respect for others. Alot of brothas out there like to have their cake and eat it too. Do not lower yourselves my brothas trying to fight for someone that does not want to be fought for. He is most likely not the one for you. Maintain those high standards, yes you may not find someone with all the attributes that you desire, but over time as you grow together in love, you can help develop in each other the faculties that you lack. Do not look for perfection, because it does not exist. Brothas do not take enough time to get to know the person they are with. 

Is it because it's unnatural and two men can't sustain a monogamous relationship? 

I don't think it is unnatural for two men to find true love. We are human beings first and we do have the capacity to love. There are many successful relationships out there, but the fact is they are usually out of site and we are surrounded more by brothas that are in and out of relationships. Don't let your love life be a cycle my brothas and your mistakes become a bad habit. Two men can have a monogamous relationship, need to close a blind eye to others and focus on their mate. I have found that many times when you tell someone you are involved they seem to have added incentive to try you are try to get with you. Do not put yourself in situations if you know you have a weakness or if you are attracted to someone else. Learn to trust yourself and your partner. Break ties with those who do not respect your mate and your relationship, they have much to gain and you have more to lose. A good solid relationship is based on respect, love, compromise, sharing, affection, validatio!
n, trust, and respect for the other person's life... I can go. 

Are all men dogs? 

I beg to differ that all men are dogs. I am certainly far from being a dog. Yes it is true that we do have to sieve through alot of mess to find that special someone, but remember those dogs prepare you for him. They come and go and all do serve a purpose in our lives. It is up to us to try to decipher what their reason for being there was. Someone is in your life for a reason; it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. Just think on these things, there is a "MR RIGHT FOR YOU" OUT THERE MY BROTHAS, I WISH EACH ONE OF YOU MUCH SUCCESS IN MEETING HIM OR BEING DISCOVERED BY HIM.

ONCE AGAIN THIS MIAMI GQ HAS SAID HIS PIECE, KINDA LONG I KNOW, JUST HAD A LOT TO SAY. PEACE AND MUCH LOVE

From tazier6@aol

i think that as a black man, who enjoy having sex with other black men, i find that when it comes to relationships we are not sure of exactly what we NEED or for the facy what we want. i am currently dating a female because i also have feeling for women. the guys that i have been with , most of them are in relationships that has been going on for more than two years. i always wanted to know why guys cheat and from my experience i can honestly say that it is because we dont trust each other. my example, i met this guy two years ago and for some reason i have never felt this way before for either sex. we hooked up and then things was good and bad but we manage to work things out. recently he told me that when we hooked up he was still fucking arouynd with other guys and that just made me lost most of my trust in him. i started fucking around but i realize that it wont change anything. i want to stop fucking with him but i can honestly say that i love this boy but only to an extent. i think that all of us look for something but never finds it but when we do we fuck the situation up. all i am saying is if you want to be with someone dont go looking for him just let it happen then you will know if that person is the one for you cause when you search, you will pick anyone because you are desperate and that will leads to cheating.



PS. i enjoyed all your stories and feel as if i should write about some of my experiences. please let me know

 

From K3156@aol

I have given careful consideration to the issue of relationships. I think the reason that relationships are difficult is greater than ones sexual orientation. I believe that we as black men really haven't identified ourselves as a whole. I strongly disagree with the term "gay" or "homosexual" to indentify the I Am in a persons ego. What is a gay man? If you asked that question 50 years ago it would describe the spirit of an occasion or a person emotions. How then can a word describe a person or someones sexual orientation?

When an individual describes himself by his sexual orientation I believe that He is doomed for failure in all areas of life. For in the mind we have to act our what we believe about ourselves. For instance if I think of myself as poor then I will think like a poor man and become a poor man even if I were rich. If I think of myself as gay or a homosexual then I am going to act out my perception of a homosexual. Ones sexuality becomes the dominate thought and thus influencing all aspects of life. This is emotionally conterproductive because we act out our sexuality through our relationships with others. Our relationships aren't nuturing and supportive. They are sexualships. We have sex to validiate who we are then we reconfirm our negative affrimation (I AM GAY). I believe this cycle repeats itself. This is why in my opinion black men have a problem establishing loving relationships with other black men. We have not properly defined ourselves. 

I believe that we are first men. We need not to describe our manhood negatively. We have the capacity to love and be loyal. We have a relationship with the Creator. We are spiritual being expressing ourselves. I think that if we would take the time to personally evaluate what motivates us; what really make us fell worthwhile; we would see the beauity that we possess. The awarness of the value of these attributes in our consciousness will promote self confidence and enhance our selfesteem. Then we would not tolerate a word like gay or homosexual to indetify us. I truly believe that if we begin as individuals to quietly venture on the road of self discovery our individual worlds will bloosm with peace. Then collectively our friendships will become more meaniful and most importantly our relationship will mirror the harmony that is dwelling within our individual soul.

May God Bless you on your journey. 

From ulys_c@yahoo

I think realtionships are so difficult for a number of reasons:
1) Society is hostile to gay relationships (especially Black society) , and that hurts or causes secrecy or shame, none of which is good for a strong relationship.
2) Some guys are by nature prone to stray from a stable relation and seek the greater excitement of somethin new.
3) Relationships are hard to maintain, especially when the passion is not there every minute, but the fact is that every realtionship goes through phases, like passion, love, sex, anger, compassion, being there for someone, etc. It can't be passion all the time.
4) We don't have many good models of the strong positive relationships we would hope to build with someone.
5) We admire the brothas who stay on the move, those who ride in and ride out alone, never realizing that they are lonely, and that one night stands get old, especially during the holidays, or when you have a special problem or need.
These, I think, are some of the reasons it is so difficult for us. I am glad to say, however, that I am going into the 10th year with my baby. we don't know what tomorrow will bring, but weve been thru a lot, learned a lot, seen passion leave and return, and realize our love. Im grateful.
KD

From steelnsexapeal@aol

It has been my unfortunate experiences that have caused me to conclude that the problem with black men and relationships as whole is the fact that as children we are socialized to be hard and rough. Being introduced to manhood as a state of being not a state of mind. In order to be a "real" man you have to be the nastiest nigga. Diss da most bitches. Dont take no shit from nobody. Be hard and rough. 

We get into relationships because as human being we have a primal need for companionship coupled with the warmth and fullfilment that only another human being can provide. Our need to be "the man" causes us to think and act in ways not condusive to a healthy relationship. These thoughts and actions as a whole jeopardize our relationship unless our mates are willing to succumb to our every whims, and even then who can call it. 

Now taking all this into consideration, imagine if you can two such like creatures daring to unite. Imagine. In order for this unity to work both parties must first be willing to realize that they have issues and that they will probably always have issues. Secondly, the involved parties recognizing that they have issues independent of each other can agree to work on their individual issues together. Thus affording the involved parties the support system that as black men we tend to lack, as well as that warmth and companionship that we all crave. 

This is my theory. It is a theory because i have yet to put it to the test. I am hopefull. Some day he'll come along. The man I'll love. And he'll be peaceful and calm, the man I'll love. 

From baybrothabj@aol

Relationships between black gay men are complicated. There are so many underlying issues that plague relationships and breaks bond from within. Self image, self identity, self respect, and enlightenment…or should I say the lack thereof, makes black gay men difficult to date and love long term. Short term minds get short term results. 

Sure, we all want someone goodlooking and in-shape with all the right equipment. That is a given. The problem lies in image/look/attractiveness being made the most important thing we look for and then we cope with the baggage and drama and shit that comes along with the pretty wrapping. I find people letting things slide because of a man's attractiveness. Hmmm. Short term minded. You know how we do and almost bragging, "he doesn't have a job and his baby's momma is always trippin, but he is fine as hell and is on his way over to my house right now." I mean really fellas. Is this what we have let ourselves come to. A cute face and a nice ass. And we have the nerve to wonder why our relationships don't last. 

Its not only unemployment, incarceration, drug abuse, and other shit that plagues us…its mostly the lack of self image, self identity, self respect, and enlightenment. Men are too scared to talk. Too scared to "seem" soft or sensitive. Too scared to be vulnerable. So, communication is usually bad or nonexistent. We don't talk enough about how we feel. We talk plenty about what we want to feel and how many inches are required to feel it…but never about how we feel. And this to is short term minded. 

Once we have a better grasp of who we are and what we are about in this life, then we are better equipped to share ourselves. Its about sharing. Its about togetherness. Desire a like mind and you will need nothing more. Not to say looks don't matter, because God knows they do…but do not let yourself make excuses for people who are not what you need simply because they are what you desire. That is playing yourself. 

If you are interested in a relationship, have some idea of what you need and balance that with what you desire and you just might find a man you can live with longer than a few months. Short term shit gets you short term shit.

A beautifully wrapped package does not mean there's a nice gift inside. 

From BJinCali@aol

Relationships. Some spooky feeling lurks in the air at the sound of that word. I mean, there are times when black men who I flirt with ask me what I am interested in, and I clam up as if something is wrong with me for wanting a relationship. And good grief, when I do say it, I get a strange look, a few sighs, a scoff, an oh God!, and then the cold shoulder. But when I say, I just wanna kick it and get down…then they are all ready to go and wanting home numbers, pager numbers, and cell phone numbers. 

Now what is this about? Too many things if ya ask me. I think it is like in our essence as humans to want a relationship. But as black men, we pity the fool who acts on it. We have terms for relationships…like being "tied down" or "caught up" or "stuck" or "whipped" or some other bullshit term that turns relationships into nightmares as opposed to the bliss they really can be. Why do we do this? I have friends who are embarrassed to talk about the people they are involved with. Its like an embarrassment that someone actually sparked their interest. Is this pitiful or what. I would give my right arm and left leg to a child in need to just have coffee and croissants with someone half way interesting. (well, that was dramatic…but do you feel me?). 

It's as if we sabotage ourselves into thinking like the rest of society. It is like a continual battle of the mind. We grew up thinking like everyone else, then poof…you realize you are attracted to men so you adjust your minds just enough to experience their bodies. The fight begins when the notion of opening ourselves up to experiencing men in mind, body, AND soul. That's the fight. 

But it doesn't have to be. All these issues going around. So what. We are all messed up to some degree. And that is not a bad thing, just realistic. People who find love have issues too, they were just able to communicate on a level where someone else could develop compassion. Nobody's perfect and if someone is, let's hunt him down and kill him because he is fucking up the curve. :::smile::: 

Also, I see people who sabotage their own relationships. The grass is always greener. What in the hell is that. I see it like this: someone is always smarter than you, funnier than you, better looking than you, more muscular than you, bigger dicked than you, more wealthy than you, have a newer Lexus Jeep than you…so why walk around as if our shit smells better than everybody else's. This is not competition or a comparison game for love. This is about connection of souls. The grass is only greener if you stop watering yours. But why are we always looking. What are we not getting from who we're with that we think we can get from someone else. 

There is an overwhelming reluctance to work things out. Talk things out. Communicate. Its like, whoa…there's a problem here…"you didn't do the dishes last night and you left the heat on all day, therefore this relationship is over." I mean really. Can we talk about this a little. :::smile:::

Anyhow, relationships are fun, and hard, and sexy, and stress, and happiness, and hell, and heaven on mutha…earth. Embrace them and allow yourself to be embraced. To love is to be loved…and to be loved is special. How much more do you want? Or do you want less? Damn, if you do? 

From jax@aol

It is difficult for a man of color to hold a steady relation ship with another man because even in a heterosexual relationship The Black Man is expected to live up to all sorts of expectations... As we all know The black man is suppose to be strong.. Not a wimp, and this is what he worry about if he's in a relationship with another brother. What others may think, the shame it will bring to his family and of course; weakness.... If it was easy for us to just say we don't care what other people think. The world would be a better place... But its not....

From KrazyT83@aol

The reason it's hard for men of color or any one to hold a steady relationship is because no one is willing to stick through the worse!! The moment we find out that the other person has flaws, we are ready to bell out. We don't want to work through the problem and figure out a way to solve it. In our world of fast food, fast cars, and fast fixes, we natuarlly expect everything to be fast. Fast sex, fast love, and an even faster end to a relationship. And another valid point is, we aren't truly with the person we want to be with. We either, A. constantly try to change them, B. always looking out for the next best thing, or C. ignore them all together. When you walk down the street, we are always commenting on how fine some other brother is or how sexy somebody looks. But if you're with the person you want to be with, no matter how nice somebody looks, it won'!
t matter, because we're with your MAN. So in conclusion, if we really want to find out why OUR relationships don't last, we first need to start looking inside ourselves to fix the major problems, and then venture out and find what love really is.

From ditr1@aol

I am a firm believer in the credo "If you chose the behavior, you chose the consequences". Allow me to explain-
1) If I chose to be a dog, I will attract fleas. 2) If I chose to look for love in the clubs, I get club love. 3) If I chose to think a committed relationship with a black man is impossible, it will be. 4) If I chose to have unprotected sex, I could get AIDS. 5) If I chose an email address that implies a sexual fanatasy, I will get only fantasy in return. You are what you eat, speak, and denigh.

To me, life is a series of choices. I prefer to chose the belief that I can and will find a committed relationship with a man of color. I deserve it, I claim it. 

This forum gives us an excellent opportunity to learn from one another-I applaud the authors. Yet I cannot chose to fall in line with the fatalists. It does nothing but drain the energy I could use to make me a better me. 

I just turned 40, and came out 5 years ago after a 10 year marriage to a woman. Most of the brothers I am attracted to have never been down that road, and are challenged with understanding my transition into my life as a gay man. They have often been insensitive, thinking that their life as a gay man is somehow superior to that of men who have willingly embraced the heterosexual side of themselves, and found it not to be what they wanted. Choices. The pragmatist would say that anyone who can faithfully commit to a 10 year relationship is a good catch. Confused? No. Evolved? Yes. I did not spend the last 15 years bedhopping in search of "the one". Instead, I made a commitment, nurtured it, evaluated it, and THEN ended it. 

I would suggest that we as black men in search of a committed relationship should seek to "cook" our relationships on the stove and not in a microwave. It just tastes better. My momma taught me that....

My email address is ditr1@aol.com (not a solicitation)
*ditr* stands for Diamond in the Rough. You see, true diamonds are made from compressed coal, and while some men may appear to be just a lump of coal, we should not judge them on what we see or hear. You could be passing up the jewel in favor of the sparkle of worthless fake stones.

No, I am not a geek, and I am often approached by very attractive men and women. I am dating a man in NY, (I live in DC), and while the distance is a challenge, we have been able to sustain it for 10 months. I want him to know the diamond in me, but I also know he is all too familiar with the 2 minute nuked burrito from 7-eleven. I'm not giving up, cause I believe there is a real gem inside. I'm putting this one in the crock pot for a slow simmer!!!!
Peace - and give love a chance........

From CTakuya@cs

It seems like there is a difference for black gay men to have a relationship....It seems like there are more white couples that are having success in relationships... But for blacks i just don't see it happening that much. I don't know what it is that's keeping us as a whole from being more caring for one another. I guess the root of the problem is that most people believe that this is just something they are experimenting with and they don't plan to be "in the life" forever. Some feel that it is still wrong to be in a male to male relationship. Most of all , society portrays us as being hardcore, incapable of being sensitive, and agressive.There are a lot of things going on that most of us are not aware of. THere are political debates going on about legal marriage rights for gays and lesbians. I'm trying to keep up with these kinds of things because one day i plan to be in a long-term commitment. It seems like we are not worrying ourselves with these kinds of issues, because others are doing it for us. Most of us are scared to take a stand on something we believe in. It doesn't take marching in gay pride week or anything like that. I think it takes responsiblity as a citizens to inform ourselves and make these key decisions. We can take part in what goes on by voting for candidates that support our ideas, or we can contribute to a Gay organization, nevertheless a Black Gay organization with ideas and money.I know there are other pressures to deal with, without having to deal with sexuality alone, but "knowing is half the battle."

From shuggahjazz@aol

I REALLY BELEIVE THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF US FINE ASS BLACK BROTHAS ARE FIRST AND FOREMOST AFRAID! THAT'S RIGHT AFRAID OF HAVING OUR FEELINGS HURT!. THIS FEAR HAS PROPELLED ITSELF INTO MANY OF US VERY ELIGIBLE GAY BACHELORS BEING WITHOUT ANYONE, FOR A LONG, LONG, TIME IN MOST CASES. IT REALLY DOES NOT MATTER OUR AGES, FROM 18 TO 68 IT IS ALL THE SAME. ALL I CAN SAY IS PLEASE BROTHAS, BE TRUE TO YOURSELVES, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, RESPECT YOUR BODY YOUR MIND AND THE SOUL WILL FALL RIGHT INTO PLACE FOE SHOW!!. KEEP ON BELEIVING THAT GOD WILL BLESS YOU WITH THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND TRUST ME HE WILL. EVERY SINGLE DAY LET THAT LUV LITE S-H-I-N-E, BRIGHT!!!! AHRITE!

From MADFLAVA@BMINTERNET

COMITTMENT, COMITTMENT, COMITTMENT
IN TODAYS SOCIETY MEN OF COLOR A RELUCTANT TO COMITT TO GUY-GUY RELATIONSHIP FOR THE FEAR OF BEING FOUND OUT. IT IS HARD ENOUGH JUST BEING BLACK ,BUT TO BLACK AND GAY WHEW! THEN THE ROLE PLAY THING , THE MODEL OF THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP THAT MOST GAY MEN HAVE IS A STRAIGHT ONE( PARENTS,GRANDPARENTS ...ECT.)SO MUST OF US DON'T GET TO SEE A TRUE 1-ON-1 GAY RELATIONSHIP, HOW CAN YOU COMITT TO SOMETHING YOU NEVER SEEN.LAST BUT NOT LEAST STEREOTYPES THE GAY LIFESTYLE HAS THE STIGMA OF BEING BASE ON SEX ,THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION BUT I THINK THAT SOME GUYS CHOOSE TO BE GAY BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN HAVE SEX WHEN EVER AND WITH WHO EVER ( AND SOME OF THEM DO) IF YOU HAVE THAT MUCH SEXUAL FREEDOM WHY COMITT. BEING GAY IS NOT A CHOICE , IT IS A LIFE-STATION( IT IS HOW WE WERE PUT ON THIS EARTH) WE MUST TEACH OUR YOUNG BROTHERS OF COLOR TO COMITT TO LOVING THEMSELF ,COMITT TO THEIR LIFE-STATION, AND THE WILL BE ABLE TO COMITT TO THEIR PARTNER

PEACE-4-EVA

MADFLAVA

From downlo2@webtv

FIrst I will preface this by saying that I am a 35 year old, very attractive, black man, who has been in three long term relationships with men. My last relationship was over three years ago and I haven't been able to enter another relationship. I won't settle for less than what I want. I am typical of the majority of my black brothers in that I am classified as DL; I don't do bars and clubs. I'm not comfortable in most gay bars and clubs. And, when I do attend a black gay event it is normally in DC around black pride with friends I've known for years. I also haven't lived in cities with large black populations the past six years and I'm not attracted to 99% of white men. I do date women out of neccessity (two date limit); I make it clear that I don't want a relationship and I'm not getting married (safe sex 100% of the time). Several of my friends do the same thing. I'm not attracted to effeminate men or the whole gay "lifestyle" of clubs, drugs, house music and nonstop shopping. I like jazz, boxing, football, blues, R&B, working out, running, and chillin; these aren't new tastes for me I've always had them. I want a partner, not a wife, who is a friend (my last partner of three years was great but job relocations split us apart). I've got several friends across the US, but we've got no interest in each other as freaks. I'm not interested in the young guys (under 25) who keep trying to peep my hold card. And, now I'm taking vacation during the Blatino parties and filling in with women in between. There is no problem with black men to men relationships once we get together. I've widened my prospects to hispanic and asian men to increase my chances of making a connection. I'm not interested in casual sex with my future partner, I get plenty now. Too many guys I meet are too easy to get to bed. Don't they realize that friendship has to be the basis for anything that will last?!
I got to like you before you can be my partner. My other problem with the visible minority, is their condemnation of everyone who doesn't live their life as an open advertisement of their sexuality. Many black men can't keep their relationships together because they saturate it with other people before they have bonded with each other. I see it as defeating for men to shop for men in a meet market (bar or club), then take their catch back to the market repeatedly for comparison shopping.

 

From me_n_u@hotmail

So, why can't 2 black men hold a monogamous relationship? I guess I could go on the premise that same sex relationships are based on sex most of the time. I hate to say it, brothas, but most of the times we let our hormones take charge of our emotions. I am in a relationship now. This is the first time I have not had sex with the person before thinking of starting a relationship. We have been together so far 4 months. Not saying everyday has been peaches and cream, but we face a lot of our problems because I have gone away to school. We knew that before committing, but we want to stand the test of time, and distance. Honestly, I have been attracted to other men and women, but I know I have a good thing at home...not just based on sex...in fact, we've only had sex one time! Once we stop letting our penis think for us, we will find better relationships. Think about it!!

 

From Casio1@Webtv

Black men must focus on themselves first, FIRST. Then and only then can we begin to unite and love other for themselves. Many are caable of mono relationships, it's just that they let outside influnces and drama to interfee with their beliefs. Forget what others think and say. Talk to God and focus on yourself, yourmate, and family. Additionally, never, never, never let anyone put you down, not for one moment. Stay sharp and stay in focus with your goals. Don't try to do what everyone else is doing -- do your own thing and the Lord wil lead you and in the process think about showing LOVE to others at all times. With Love in your thought process it will come back to you multiplied. Of course, pray and consistently stay focus on your goals and advancement.

 

From Rand237852@aol

How fortunate we are to have someone like the author of this site to
move us, encourage us, and enlighten us to take a second look at what
has been one of the biggest downfalls and disappointment in any relationship,
and that being commitment.

Let me first start off by saying that I do no tend to know everything
there is to know about this lifestyle, and that on a daily basis I am yet
learning and experiencing new things about myself and the man that I
have fallen in love with. But what I have learned in the short time that I
have been in love with him, has been one of the most life changing
experiences this black can stand.
I have learned the hard way about being true to myself and to others. You see I was married to a woman for 9 years, and for 9 years of marriage and all of my adult live I was living with an part of me that I refused to admit that was there, and that being gay and my attraction to men. When I met and fell in love with the man that I am presently with, I realized that I really didn't understand the meaning of commitment and faithfulness in the true sense of the word.
I understand now, that commitment first comes with being honest with who you are and what you are, and with those who you claim to love and cherish.

Needless to say that my decision to be honest with myself and my wife left a lot of people hurt and disappointed, and I can never undo the emotional pain that I left behind. BUT- I've learned to be totally honest with myself and with those who I come in contact, especially with the man that now holds a big place in my heart

Commitment and the lack thereof comes in so many forms and we have to be careful not to allow ourselves to wonder in what we think is greener pastures for the pleasure of the moment. To break one of them (physically, mentally, or emotionally) shows our lack of commitment to the relationship and demonstrates how much we really love that other person.

I believe that two black men can be committed to each and love each other provided that they are totally honest and up front with each other about everything, I mean everything. Respect the other man's feelings, and treat your partner as you expect to be treated. Commitment comes with honesty, and honesty comes when there is a level of communication and trust that no outsider can break. I'm glad that I have found out for myself what happiness and commitment is in the

 

From DC4YoAZZ

As lonley as I am I willnot let this get in the way of my good heart and I will not be bitter. I have been in a few raletionships. I have found a few things in that these realtionships had in common. They were all bad. However, besides being bad there were reason that only hindsite could provide why they were bad. One of the reason was I WAS NOT READY FOR A RELTIONSHIP. Yes I was not ready for a relationship. I was young, fast, and sitll needed help with some issues from childhood. So reguardless of what he did to me or me to him I was not ready. So Ithink as african american gay/bi/transgender whatevern you are a relationship wont work without the readyness factor. Well; what is ready? Im glad you asked because ready is knowing and loving who I am ,respecting myself, and believing in a higher power and trusting myself.. If I do not have those areas together in my life I am setting myself up for failure in a realtionship. Secondly, when Iam able to achieve these things and get involved in a relationship. I need to have boundries. Yes Boundries. No matter what I need to have a bottom line or something I believe and will not tolerate ie.. drug addicts, liars,mess,other folks husbands,alcoholics or anykind of abuse (verbal,emotional physical) power trippers or control freaks and codependents. One I have set those boundries, loved myself totally,realized who I am then and only then am I ready for a realtionship. Once in a realtionship I will need to stop blaming and learn how to use the word" I". I feel , I need. Not if you would, you need to . Ect. Realationships are not as easy as I once thought but they are not as hard and I have sometimes made them.
Love youself brothas everything else will follow
Peace DC4YoAZZ

 

From ERICTUCKER21@YAHOO

PERSONNALLY, I FEEL THAT RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN OF COLOR ARE VERY HARD BECAUSE, WE ARE ALWAYS JUDGING ONE ANOTHER MAINLY BY APPREARANCE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, APPEARANCE IS IMPORTANT, BUT SO IS PERSONALITY. MANY OF TIMES I HAVE CAME ACROSS MEN THAT WERE DROP DEAD GOREOUS, BUT THERE PERSONALITY WERE URGLY. SOME OF OUR STANDARD FOR ONE ANOTHER ARE ENTIRELY TOO HIGH. BELIEVE ME, MY STANDARDS FOR A GUY WHEN I WAS A LITTLE YOUNGER WERE SO HIGH THAT I DON'T THINK A PERSON EXIST. NOW, FOR THE MEN ARE DOGS. THAT IS A TOUGH ONE. SOME MEN LOVES TO HAVE THERE FREEDOM AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO SETTLE DOWN. ME PERSONALY, BY BEING RAISE WITH A MOTHER ONLY I KNOW HOW IT FEELS BY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TRUST, LOVE, AND DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IN THE STREETS. JUST BY LOOKING AND LEARNING FROM MY MOTHER. I HAVE DATED MEN WHO I THOUGH WERE THE ACTUAL ONE, EVERYTHING IS OUTSTANDING AND THEN FOUNDS OUT HE IS DATING ANOTHER. I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPEN. IT IS REALLY HARD TO UNDERSTAND DIFFERENT KIND OR MEN OUT HERE, EVEN THOUGH I AM ONE MYSELF. IT'S WEIRD! THE MAIN THING I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT LIFE IS FILL WITH TAKING CHANCES AND ALLOWING THE HEART TO BE FILL WITH LOVE AND HURT. IT HURTS LIKE HELL THROUGH THE PROCESS, I GUESS IT'S THE WAY TO GO. I TRUELY DO HOPE THAT WE WILL FIND THE MAN TO CALL OUR OWNS. BELIEVE I AM STILL SEARCHING, BUT IT IS VERY HARD BY BEING IN THE MILITARY AND CONSTANTLY TRAVELING. WISHING EVERYONE IN THE SEARCH OF "THE" GUY GOOD LUCK AND BE CAREFUL. ALWAYS BE PROTECTED DO MATTER WHAT. LOVE ERIC

 

From disquo@excite

Well I believe that the reason black men have so many problem's, is because that we have been told for so long that it is not right. Causing for many of us not to settle down with individuals we like because they believe that gay relationship can't
and aren't supose to work...

 

From dahawk@primenet

I think men of color have a difficult time with relationships because we do not support each other. And I think the reason we do not support each other stems back to slavery times. At that time we, as a group, were allowed ourselves to be forced to support a system which was not in our best interest. And I think we are still in the habit of supporting things that are not in our best interest.

The solution to me seems to be that we must reexamine what happened to us as a people during slavery even though this is probably very painful for most men and women of color.

But I think we must look back honestly, see where we have been and then move to correct the evil that we allowed  (yes, we did allow it, as a people and we must come to grips with that reality), find out why we allowed it and  vow for it to never reoccur.

Tony

From bye2you@webtv.

I think that most guy on guy (black) relationship do not work because of the self-loathing in the community as a whole..when I first came out to the bars and got the chance to see people who were like myself, I thought I was home or had reach a comfort zone amongst brothers that was cool.
As time went on, I saw the ugly side of guy4guy, we were dissing each other for alot of reasons, he is too fem, he is a top, or he is a bottom, bitch this, whore this, no respect for one another, black against white, fem against ruffboys, bi against gay, no love, hardly any union, fights everywhere, we as black people havent began to love ourselves as a people, but as a gay black people....we got a long way to go.....if a brotha or sista makes it big the first thing we as black (some of us) people do, is try and diss them by proclaiming they are gay.....i believe there are alot worse people in the world, other than those who have love for the same sex......SO BLACK MAN BE GOOD TO YOURSELF AND TO OTHERS, STOP THE SELF DESTRUCTING BEHAVIOR, MAKING IT ALL ABOUT SEX.,MAKE IT ABOUT LOVE AND RESPECT....AND WE WILL GROW AS SEXUAL BEINGS!!!!!!!!!

From hrpage@bellsouth

Relationships that are difficult, are not new. I am 44 and the last peaceful relationship happened only 15 Yrs. ago. I have not given up. The World has changed, People have changed There are new elements in the world today that did'nt exist at one time, You know Disease and Drugs. It is getting even harder
to trust anyone, that's what is difficult about relationships today. Unemployment has been another factor for the bruthas. I often wonder why persons of other areas of high crime and poverty (geographically speaking) don't consider relocating
to more peaceful and productive places. I think that would be a solution to my problem. I have so much love to give. I have been lonely for so long. Maybe a trip
to West 42nd Street or the Port Authority would produce favorable results, I surely would like to bring someone home and share what I have with them. Not much money, No Drugs at all, But Love and Happiness 'a plenty. Suggestions?

From djayrara@msn.

I just want to say that we have been in a happy relationship for the last 5 1/2 years. We met under strange pretenses but we work out the kinks, and the fact that we both are very straight acting and thinking. We are actually talking about marriage. I popped the question last week, he said yes. He's a thug, and I just very straight acting, and thinking. We both have both put women on the back burner and decided that our relationship can be a reality. It wasn't all easy...we had some hard times, including jail, our family, drugs, women and children. We both had to deal with these problem, we even broke up a few times, but we couldn't part from each other. We were more than like best friends. We talk about everything. We just have to work on this everyday. It has gotten easier. For all that think they will be lonely forever, don't think like that, son. Think positivly and positive things will happen to you. It is just as hard to find a good man as it is to find a good women. Being black just adds to the hardship. But remember that it can be done. He stays at home, takes care of the apt, bills, food, and he still maintains his hard edge. I'm in love with him and he's in love with me. I read some of the comments, I heard a lot feel that men and men, opps, black men and black men can't stop cheating, we don't cheat on each other, we have had threesomes with a couple of girls, cause we still love women. But that's when marriage seems so much more meaningful, that's our commitment that the threesomes are over. Communications with each other is the most important thing, you communicate, and honesty, and love, and respect will have no choice but to surface. I just wanted to lift the hopes of my black and latino brothers. Decide what you want. And remember you are not going to get everything, that's when compromise comes into play. Be flexible, remember you are not!
everything to them either. Be yourself, if you're not a thug, don't act like one, if you're a queen act like one. There is someone for someone. Patience is also apart of a relationship, learn to be patient, you will meet the person who may be your soulmate, all you have to do is be patient. All the people you meet everyday, you're bound to meet your soulmate. If I did, so can you. Well that's it. If anyone wants to email me to talk about it, me and my nigga will chat wit cha. Peace out, yo.

From NYNY1955@AOL.COM

To begin,I'm a 44 year old brother living in Brooklyn, N.Y., and for the past couple of years, I have come to the conclusion that having a relationship with another brother including Latino, is something to be wished for, hoped for and prayed for, because it just is not happening no time soon. I was in a relationship with a brother that lasted 11 years, and we would be together today if Crack and some underminded chick hadn't gotten herself pregnant. Yeah, I know, it takes two to tangle. The stress and strain of his drug use, lying, stealing, cheating and being there for his child was too much. He was going down and taking me with him. I had to get out. So, I did.I figured, now I'm free to start a new relationship and love again. Boy, was I wrong. That was nine years ago and I'm still looking.
Eleven years is a long time to be out of circulation, so jumping back into the dating scene I found that too many brothers are there trying to play that tough, straight role.Maybe it's to cast the suspicion of being gay onto someone else.They don't want to identity with being gay, so they overcompensate by pretending to be this and that and I, for one, am too old for immature bull.I'm talking young and older brothers. I noticed that a black guy had an ad in a newspaper seeking
goodlooking, well built, straight acting, well hung brother, for good times on the DL. No fats, no fems and no older brothers.This ad ran, I know, for over six months, but still the same ol' ad. To me, this guy is looking for a fantasy. I wish him luck, but, until we as black, gay men accept ourselves for who and what we are instead of trying to put on an act for the public,then we will be searching for that one true love and relationship for the rest of our lives, never to find it. Just give me a black man in his forties who's comfortable with his sexuality and we can go from there. At least, it's a start for what could be something beatiful.

From Jenk050@ibm.com

Hey wassup? I am surprised that these questions have been raised being that I think I am some type of freak. I am 28 and have in the past few yrs been trying to make something of my life. In the past things were different. I used to be a dog I had no regards for peoples feeling however, I was young and was basically as folks called it sewing my oats. Now that I have matured I find it amazing that many guys older than me can't slow down I look at their lives and realize that what they are is not what my parents dreamed for me. It's definitely not what I want to see myself evolve into therefore, thus as I have gotten older I have become lonely. My mother told me when I was young "she must have always known because I'm not effeminate" that " you have to watch guys all they want is sex from you and then their finished with you". With the lifestyle that is basically all I see. Men chasing after other men as if they sexcrazed lunatics. I am gay man but "I don't want to have sex with everybody just 1 special person in my life is all I ask for"! However, I realize I have to look at things for what they are. Maybe that will never be I put my faith in god down deep inside me my grandfather still lives inside of me his words still touch my soul. I'm not sure of my destiny maybe I will be old and alone I have come to terms with that but the values that I was taught as a child by my mother and grandparents will remain with me for an eternity I will not sacrafice that as I did when I was younger and driven by my hormones which I think all people go through between 16-25 but when does it stop? I dropped out of college because of my confusion of who I was but will be going back thx to god I have a great career and much to be thankful for. thx for this forum.

From ESmith2889

"Why do you feel relationships are so difficult for gay men of color?" The truth is relationships for men of color are difficult period. Heterosexual or homosexual, most men of color have difficulty with romance, sensitivity, and the challenges of being "tied down". Unfortunately, the notion of "true love" is placed even further out of our reach when dealing with the fact that there are some of us who would like a long-lasting relationship with a person of the same sex. Because men, in general, have such a difficult time with the word commitment, it is then almost impossible, from most of our experiences, to find another brother who meets our expectations and standards. Good luck to all you brothers out there who are sincere, honest, and just looking to love and be loved. I know where you're coming from.....

From Marcel4DL

There is a lot of meaninful rhetoric being exchanged on this subject and I dont think that I can add much more to enlighten anyone, so I'll simply say what I have to
say and be out.  First of all, after scrolling through all the well thought-out comments I couldn't help but notice that I had started to tear up. It was as if some of you were speaking my life. Gosh, so many times I have asked myself what is wrong with me. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Do I need to work out more? Is my dick to small? I know it sounds crazy, but I seriously pondered these questions. However, after reading these comments I   realize that I am not alone. Not one bit.
Do I think that male to male relationships can work. I would like to think so. My experience has taught me not to trust the idea. I've only had the opportunity
to experience the vain and ugly side of this life. I pray that there's more love, friendship, and bonding to experience. This is my prayer (smile). Bottom line I don't want to be alone. I think that would be cruel with all that I've (or we) been through
with regards to this life. I am praying that it doesnt end up that way. Y'all take care..and continue talking. Something good is bound to come out of this (smile).

 

From anonymous

The difficulty in black gay relationships? Where should I begin? Actually I should only speak from direct experience. I used to live on St. Thomas and I once read in a library book there that the majority of gay black males choose white lovers (?) Really? I remember showing that to some friends and my then lover -- who were all black -- and we looked at each other quizzically. Which black men did they interview or survey? we wondered. We had no clue what they were talking about. None of us seemed to have that primary preference though none of us would rule interracial dating entirely.
Well, that seemed to change when I moved to South Florida. Coming to South Florida made me think, at first, I must have been out of the States a long time. (I went to high school in St. Thomas though I was actually born in New York) Amidst many adjustments I had to make, one point that seems relevant here is my strong impression that a good many -- if not the majority -- of gay black men in South Florida prefer to date non-black men. A friend from D.C. who tried to settle here came to that conclusion and found that so perplexing that he went back to D.C. Oftentimes, my encounters with other gay black men in South Florida seem either hostile and I'm made to feel invisible. The experience happens so often it can give one a reflex if one's not careful. I think a lot of gay black men in South Florida carry around this reflex like armour. I once met this black man at a South Florida club with whom I was exchanging a lot of eye contact but whose demeanor was still very cold. He made a total about-face once I introduced myself. I think a lot of gay black men in South Florida harbour substantial mutual distrust. Another good friend, also a gay black man, once suggested that there are not a lot of guality black men in South Florida. Yet another friend who's not black but prefers black men attributes gay black men's preferences in South Florida to the 'opposites attract' phenomenon. Well,to that I say I don't think the majority of South Florida gay white men prefer to date non-white men!!
Despite the difficulties I've mentioned above, I must admit that my circle of friends have become wider, more diverse and interesting since I've come here from St. Thomas. But while I've acquired a wider, more varied circle of acquaintances, few longlasting relationships are among them.And I believe I have a lot to offer. I'm quite attractive (or so I'm told), athletic, educated, and cultivated. I often fantasize about the type of black man I would like to have a future with. But I wonder if it will happen here in South Florida. But truthfully if I were to meet the right person, regardless of race, it would be equally welcome.

From Yusef D1

Black men who are gay are apart of the larger community. Although we now have defined ourselves, it doesn't change the fact that we grew up in a society that still fosters many of the ideas and ideals of the period of enslavement in America. Unfortunately, we have done nothing to unlearn all the negative and painful things that have helped to shape our thought process. Yes, we believe that bigger dicks are better and will make us and our partners happier. I think it is false and untrue. If a relationship is built on penis size, then the person doesn't matter, only the dick. And if it is only the dick, a dildo will do. We are not willing to nurture our relationships (regardless of penis size) and therefore we search for big dicks and continue the myth. We have a responsibility to change that sterotype. We can do that and yet we continue to buy into it and pass it on. We discuss dicks as if they are not attached to a person and treat the person as if he is nothing. I enjoy men- there's more to what I want and expect than just a dick. Size is what the white man taught us to be attracted to and not the person. So, get rid of those slave mentalities and we will have a better time loving the person.

From anonymous

I really do like this site; it is so complete,not just a skin-viewing site. Anyway, to the topic at hand. I'm writing from New York City; I reside in Brooklyn, and I hang-out and meet a lot of different type of guys in Brooklyn. I have met some younger men- younger than me, I'm 39- who hustle for a living (?), charging any takers $20 to say, $80 for the chance to play with their large penises, (ii?). What was most alarming, though, was the realizatio that most cannot read or write, use their bodies to obtain things (needs- food, shelter, bed partners, etc.), andare comfortable doing just what they are doing. Many of them hang in the Port Authority, as do many of the local porn stars that can be found on all sorts of porn videos that are produced in NYC, and/or hustle men in Central Park- largely but not always gwm, who do pay for sex in Central Park in the Ramble late at night, or, the West Village, and in extreme cases, Prospect Park in Broolyn. Whay I have seen is how people tend to burn-out on the streets, and how unrewarding such a venue is. BUT, where there is supply there is demand; all these places are known(basically in Manhattan)for $=big dick, and there are always takers there, wallets ready. I also periodically see other GBM going with some of the guys I know, so, race doesn't seem to be a factor in the bartering of body parts (penis rental, not hearts, livers, kidneys or eyes). What I have personally found is over the time I have lived in NYC now and 20 years ago, with a long time in Chicago in between, is that I have met men who became friends over time, and with several of them, lovers. What I have treasured most of in these relationships was trust, communication, honesty, and mutual repsect; sexual expression became a part of these important intimate interpersonal dynamics, and consequently, these were healthy interactions. Some of the men were very well endowed, which was nice, but, and this is !
the real treat, my interaction was equal and respectful- being regarded as another man by other men, and the quality of sex with each man was based on feelings for each other rather than carnal lust (which is not a bad thing; there are sex parties, peep shows, and other venues for that). What I empower is that reality that men are human beings, with fears, identities, and each on a personal journey; penis size is a factor on the street and in quick sex (face it, it is), but, the richness of men with each other is also a real possibility. After scribbling all this down I suppose this more appropriately belongs under relationships, yes?

From Blknsxyny@aol.com

Being a 19 year old man of color, I find that it is quite difficult to be with another man of color for an extended period of time. At first I thought it was because of my age, and maybe I was not experienced enough but as time wore on I starting drawing other conclusions. I think most men are dogs and its hard for two dogs to coexist as partners. I would love to be in a meaningful relationship with another brotha but from what I have observed thus far, most brothas just want to play. Being 19 years old I have not given up on the brothas there is one out there for me and I will find him. I'm just getting myself prepared for him in the mean time.

From anonymous

I read your introduction to this discussion topic. I am not sure why connecting with another gay black man is so difficult. Currently, I am 45 years of age and have been out for half my life. At first, my thought was "this is great I have taken off the masks that I wore for others and I can meet and be with the person I always dreamed of being with...." Well I was persistent and determined to meet someone either in a club or outside a club. I failed miserably. I thought as you suggested that the problem is not with the other person but within me so I took workshops that were about building intimacy and I went to counseling to explore and get rid of some baggage. Nothing has helped so far. Now I am writing and talking to a computer screen. If the problem is with me it is more hidden than I can fathom and if is with the other person it is more hiddden than I can fathom. I choose not to be bitter and to do so I have concluded that I am not like my friend(s) who have successful relationships. I will remain alone unless something miraculous occurs. I now look forward to settling into my home, planting trees and flowers, spending time with my friends, and continuing to do my job to the best of my abilities. As to a relationship, I wish you all success. (Speaker I rarely comment anymore to the feedback but in your case I really want to reach out to you! First I want to say that your courage is commendable. Second I believe that in some cases its all a numbers game. People who are the most lonely and isolated in many instances are the most exceptional and have more specialized needs. In many ways I have worked hard to bring men of color together in  a way that will facilitate a meeting of minds. It could be speaker that the man for you lives a great distance away and may not be a product of the environment in which you find yourself. I know that the inability to connect especially over long periods of time can have adverse effects on a person. But look at the internet and the digital age as a new beginning because speaker there are many black men who know exactly where you are coming from and be assured that you have their understanding and blessing. We are all in this together. And I really believe that this website could be of use to you if you believe it. Take an advantage of the dating services offered and dont quit if it doesnt happen overnight. Remember my brother the race is not given to the swift nor to the strong but unto he who endures to the end!)

From d.defense@mailcity.com

i think relationsips are fr suckers and the lucky and the blessed. It may come off cold and rude but I fully did a turn around from the age of sixteen to the age of 24. some say I Haven't lived long enough to make such statemnts. Let's just
say life is life and wisdom comes at any age, any given age. When I was sixteen I used to dream and practically visualize me and my Black man which his name is Kenny, not Ken. Me and Kenny have the gay black dream of having his and his cars,dreams, houses, and children. We would be happy and building something more than just a fuck. Now at twenyfour with just a lttle living under my belt I don't see that dream anymore. I see men only after money, gorgeous bodies, masculinity, casual sex, and meaningless relationships that lead to nowhere. We've become what our masters in the past thought of us--weak,silly,superficial men. We'v also let down our ancestors and the brothers like James Baldwin down in a disgraceful shame.


A friend asked me what do i think of relationships and I told im this:

I think they are interlectually impossible for black gay men are not willing to look at allthe issues involving matters of the heart with open eyes nor shed some of the emotionl baggage we had from other people in and out of the relationships. This is no grand speech take it for what is worth. I still believe in hoping that things will change amongst us and I plan on doing something revolutionary.

At age eighteen I posed commitment, undying love, and a ring to a Ebony
King. I'm just waiting,praying, and striving to meet another King who will recognize me as KIng as well

From Tnblkman@aol.com

I would like to beging by saying that when a PERSON has love for another, then their is room for a relationship to begin. Now a days being in a relationship all together is tough. Being black and gay in itself will complicate things in itself. It's up to the persons involved as to how they choose to deal with it. I say if you love him then all is possible. It's only unnatural because society leads us to believe so. I think many men want it, but are afraid to achieve it, for fear of what others will think. **DEEP THOUGHT**Things are only as difficult as you tell your mind they are...

Personally, I believe two men can share love, passion, and a monogamous life together if they BOTH want it. I had a relationship of six years, until distance moved us apart.   I loved and still love that man. I never cheated on him, and
I trust he gave me that same respect. I know it is possible, it's just a matter of finding someone that is willing just as much as you.

I don't believe all men are dogs. I think many of the so called dogs are just confused within themselves. Some guys are afraid of being labeled "gay/bi", so they limit themselves to what  they feel.

To sum it up, a man can be in a realtionship with who he allows himself to be with. Good men are out here, it's just a matter  of finding one another.

Much love to Da Site...

From Tnblkman@aol.com

I would just like to make a quick comment on something rahiem21 said. He made it sound as if black gay men will never be able to walk down the street hand and
hand. Of course, it is society that is holing us back. We are so afraid of what people will think of us. I just want you allto realize that back in 60's struggle
for RACIAL equality, their were skeptics that said blacks and whites will never sit at the same lunch  counter. We'll with a little civil disobedience, and determination we now can do as we please as african  americans. Now, I think that things are improving as far as homosexual exceptence. It will take time for things to come about. More and more black men are letting there feelings surface, and trying to find "a man". Whereas 20 years ago men tended to supress homosexual
tendencies. Now men are realizing that black gay men  are out there in droves.
I think we as a human race have the ability to love  and the need to be loved, whether it be loving a man or a woman. That makes us able to sustain a monogamous relationship with another.  I do agree with one thing that you did say, hetero and homo relationships are different just as men and women differ. As long as you have love it can work in my opinion.

Thank you,

From Raven22

It is all well and good to say that a man knows what another man wants and needs... but are we talking about sex or relationships. We can also wax philosophical about how great a relationship between 2 men can be, but we must be clear on the reality. I believe that many of us black men who are gay or bisexual do not place the same value on m/m relationships as we do on m/f relationships. It's true that we were not socialized with a script on courtship and dating. Our relationships (m/m) are not santioned by society (legally or spiritually). Many of us carry with us some level of internalized homophobia that causes us to view, consciously or not, same sex relationships
as inferior. Some of us may not hold the much respect for them.Gay relationships are associated with busting a nut and phallic,oral, and anal fixation (by some of us and society as a whole).Complicating this is the fact that many black men carry some degree of internalized racism. (I've seen enough black men chasing after white men -or women- and heard enough derogatory comments aboutskin complexion and hair texture directed toward to some of my fellow brothas by even "proud to black" brothas to know that this is true). This deeply grained lack of respect is also at the core of why so many black m/m relationships do not  work.

I am not in a relationship and I am doubtful that I am going to be able to find one with a good black man. We as a black community need to take a look at ourselves before we even begin to discuss white, christian, middle/upper class, heterosexual, patriarchical society. We can overcome complications from  society but that takes a sincere desire to make our relationships work. I've read the comments about people sleeping with their lover's friends and wandering towards the better looking brotha or the bigger dick and chasing dick behing the back of  a wife or girlfriend to see that our fingers need to be pointed inwardly before we point them outwardly. Let us deal with the
concrete reality of our black gay relationships in there own sphere. Then let us challenge society's view of our relationships. A black gay relationship that can survive in todays society is among the strongest relationships that we'll ever witness.

From kvon69@hotmail.com

In my experience I believe that a true relationship is based upon friendship and trust. I noticed that in my relationships with men who were my love intrest things just never seemed to workout. But my friendships with my heterosexual brothas were very successful, and these guys are very much a part of my life. In retrospect I asked my self why the relationships with my straight friends were great. I also found myself having such a deep respect and sincere love for these guys and asking why cant I find a man like my best friend. The qualities these guys posess are what I want in man. Honesty,sincerity,and a true love and respect for each other. Any way my answer to why my friendships were more successful than my love relationships is because we became friends and the friendship evolved into something beautiful. As gay blackmen we really need to not pay so much attention and exhaust so much energy on a big penis and tight abs, but check out that brothas spirit. Is the brotha going to be there when times get rough. If you loose your looks today in an accident or become sick, is he going to still love the real you. This is what we really need to focus on. A beautiful face and body is nice, But whats most important is unseen. Peace Out KVON

From black_panther32@hotmail.com

There are MANY reasons black gay men rarely come together for long-term relationships: 1) The society in which we live is not conducive to this happening (not to suggest it is impossible, though...). We are so embattled in our lives, it is many times a difficult balancing act of knowing when to lay down ones "sword and shield"; thus, we bring the battles of the outside world into our relationships...2) The approach we take to making relationships occur is faulty. I, personally, do not like the term "lover"; it has, in my opinion, too strong of a sexual connotation. Many "relationships" occur because of the wrong reasons: something physical and/or sexual. I am an attractive brotha and definitely "hold mine" in the physical/sexual area. However, brothas find it hard to get past this area. I want my partner to LOVE the ESSENCE of who I am, and I him. Sex will only take a relationship so far. Also, as BLACK MEN, we have special realities, so our methods to having longevity in our relationships should also be special, accordingly. 3) Self respect is sorely lacking in our dealings with one another...BROTHAS: We all have the right to reject situations and people according to our own criteria, but let's keep the RESPECT INTACT! And it STARTS with SELF! PEACE...

From anethasist@aol.com

Black Gay relationships are hard because of lack of Training. We do not have many Role Models to choose from. Here in St. Louis, there are very few Public Relationships to model after. How is it in the rest of the Country? White Gay Relationships abound and are supported.

We Black Gay Men Hate ourselves! We feel less than 100% of a man. I also think there is an issue of Trust. Can I rely on this Black Gay man I love to Love, Respect, and work on building a Relationship with me?

FROM  RWILLI12@NIU.EDU

HELL NO, I DONT THINK ALL MEN ARE ALL DOGS. I THINK SOME MEN ARE DOGS BECAUSE THEY ARE WITH WOMEN WHO DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED RIGHT. THEY MAY JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO TREAT WOMEN. THEY MAY BE YOUNG AND HAVE ALOT OF GROWING UP TO DO.
THEY ARE NOT DOGS AND YOU SHOULD NOT CLASSIFY ALL MEN AS DOGS. IF YOU DO THAT, YOU SHOULD GO WITH WOMEN. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TREATED LIKE A WOMEN TO GET TREATED LIKE A WOMEN. A MAN WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU LET THEM DO TO YOU. THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE MESSING WITH. THEY KNOW WHOCH ONES TO TRY AND WHICH ONES NOT TO TRY.
ME PERSONALLY HAVE NOT BEEN A RECIPIENT OF BEING TREATED LIKE NOTHING. NOT ONE MAN HAS PROVED TO ME THAT HE WAS A DOG. I THINK THAT IT IS THE WAY YOU ACT TO GET TREATED LIKE THAT. STOP ACTING LIKE HOES AND YOU WILL NOT GET TREATED LIKE A HOE.

From RBryceJr@aol.com

Hey gentlemen. Being a mature black man at the proud age of 44 years old and being gay most of my adult life, I feel that i can share some light on the question at hand. I've had 3 relationships in my life. The first one lasted 5 years. Something that I'am very proud of. This was back in 1978 when the gay life was a little more open sexually. We had a very hot and steamy relationship. We built up a lot of strong feelings for each other. We built our lives around each other. You know joint checking accounts charge cards trips together, you know the works. It was fun. What happened you are asking? I found someone that I thought was better for me. So I broke it off. bad mistake. The new relationship lasted only 8 months. Since then I've had a 3 year relationship. What happened he broke it off. Why? He was bored with the stable but great life that I was offering him. He wanted a loser in his life which clearly I'am not. he could not handle it. He now knows what he had he can never have in me again. I wish him luck. Do you see the pattern men. We leave each other for something that is supposed to be better only to find out that it is worse. We also believe that to stay young in heart and body we must have a young (THUG) with us. NOT!!!Not me. I do not want that. So now I'am by myself. The one guy that I care a great deal about does not believe that two black men or for that matter any two men can have a solid relationship as (partners).I want him. I like him. I'am growing with him. I'am falling in love with him. But CB does not know this. If he knew he just might get up and bolt on outta here. Then what would I do. So the answer to the question the way I see it is fear of real honest and true love!!!

From Fela222@aol.com

First let me state that i wasn't sure about how to response to the question,until i put myself in the position to ask what i want out of a relationship.Being totally honest with myself i had to access what would make me happy.Say goodbye to the fantasy driven idea that a complete package is what would make me happy.No such thing,if you're honest with yourself.I believe with alot of men of(excuse me if i generalize,but there is truth in truth)color we can overrate ourselves and our expectation of others.Yet the same things we say we want is the same thing other men want to,and yet there are those who have learn the art of companionhood and seem to always find someone.So lets ask these questions of ourselves(be honest),those that are looking.
1.If you met a guy and he was just what you would like in a mate but had one character flaw(a little femme,wasn't cute or wasn't well endowed)would you still date?
2.Does it matter what kind of job(no not porn or any stupid semantic answer)or amount of education(finish high schl)he has and if so what could you allow in order to date?
3.If you could have one thing out of a relationship what would it be?
4.Do you wait for someone to speak to you first or do you take the initiative?
4.How important is weight requirement?
5.How important is age?
The reason i ask these question is because we can never stop wanting to find our soulmate.But as long as we have hangups(and some are not relevant)about the fantasy driven TV,magazine,etc...........of what a man to man relationship should be.Then we are all lose out on meeting the man in our life.Please keep yuor wants real.You never know what you might miss out on.Say no to peer pressure(because friend(or so call friends)can lead you to not give a person a chance.I'm not knowledgeable about all the ways of finding a mate,but i do know that when i meet a guy i want to be his friend first and work from there.If it happens,and when it does, i will stay focus on that individual,through communication and understanding.Thats what iwish for all.No matter who they are.At least try,put your pride aside.And let your spiritedness take stride in getting to know a person for who they are.Not for the flaws that exist.You never know you may just find what you really wanted.

From assfreke@aol.com

Relatioships
I think first and formost, we all need to become happy and content on being alone and enjoying our friends and families and created families of friends.Being single for the rest of our lives in not the second worse curse to death. Second, I believe being in love does not constitute cohabitating. It's such a strain on a new relationship when it happens to early.Third, I think we need to fall in love with the person first, and not fall into bed with guy and think thats it. It feels good then it must be good. NO, a relationship cannot be predicated on sex.
We need to all let love relationships evolve just like friendships evolve, over time; slow and steady, and in the end we'll see who stuck by our sides, and who we could count on when times got rough.That's love baby.

From never2busy4u@hotmail.com

My name is Jared, and I recently moved to the Inland Empire from San Diego. For those of you unfamilair with Southern California, Colton (the city i'm in) is 1 hr south of LA off of the 10 FWY.

I've always enjoyed discussions centered on gay relationships, specifically those centered on blk gay relationships. There are some obvious reasons. I'm blk and gay. But, it's a very interesting subject to me, and one that I have thought long and hard about.

I had my fist homosexual experience at age 18, and i thought that I had entered a world filled with intelligent, loving, gentlemen. I was naieve, for sure, but then I figured that if a decent guy like me existed, there would be others as well.

I am now 23 yrs old, and still have never been in a relationship. I've always been asked why because I am handsome, brilliant, ambitious, independent, educated, well-rounded, articulate,etc.

I'll go ahead and state my reasons in no order of importance. For one, i think many of us are scared to risk opening our hearts to another because of all that we have seen and heard. I can only speak for myself, and frankly, some of my friends have been through some SHIT (pardon my french)!!! I would never want to experience some of the things my freinds have gone through. Nowadays, people are'nt real anymore. Everyone's got a front, and I find particularly difficult to interact with someone who IS NOT UPFRONT, DIRECT, and HONEST with me from the offset.

After a few years in teh life, I find myself thinking that all we are, for the most part, DOGS. I would never have thoyght this way at 18, but life has taught me well. Most of us also lack a genuine respect for other blk men. i think this is the only factor that enables us to disrespect each other the way that we so often do. So with all this disappointment, disrespect, and disregard for the individual, how can those off us who want to make somethingw worthwhile do so?

I really don't have a concrete answer but in the midst of my cynical pessimism, I still have hope that one day i will find the man of my dreams. But if I don't I will never consciously allow myself to be played. As far as I'm concerned, it's a DOGGY-DOG world. I'd rather be the DOG thyan the BONE (that's another reason for the present state of affairs :)) LOL. I'd also rather be alone than be unhappy which explains why I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE LESS THAN WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE ENOUGH FOR ME.

From never2busy4u@hotmail.com

My name is Jared. I just posted something on the relationship bulletin board, but I feel as though I came off being a little bit too negative (This si not what i strive for).

All in all, I do think it is quite possible for 2 blk males to foster and nurture a relationship. But we cannot do if we first hop in the sack. I know I'm running to to opposition ehre but I only speak from experience. I dated a guy for about 6 months and I know that if we hadn't sex so soon, our chances of staying together wouldv'e been greatly increased. I see it like this. A relationship is just like a journey. If you begin a journey and suddenly jump to the end of it, you cannot appreciate it because you did not get to travel through the mountaisn and the valleys. You saw no scenery and pretty much had an uneventful time. This lack of appreciation will cause one not to appreciate what one has, and move along. Having sex too soon, in my humble opinion, causes us to lose respect for the other individual. Aftervthe sex, what can come next if you've known the person for only a day, few days, 1 week, a few weeks??

I do not believe that people should know each other for a set period before they become physically intimate but I do believe that time has a way of taking care of that. When it feels right, and you have have mutual admiration, love, and concern, then it is the right time. some people find that right away; others do not, and take longer. I decieded that if I ever met anyone I was vaguely interested in, I would take the time to bcome acquainted with the individual.

Dating, in the 90's, for most gay men seems to be an obosolete or even archaic concept. dating is quite enjoyable and I just wish that we could do more of that. Most guys I run into aren't even into dating. Most guys just want to HOOK UP. But you'l never get to know the real person if you do. How do u get to know one's favorite color, favorite food, favorite artistes, favorite place to relax, pet peeves, and mood patterns (Trust me, we've all got them), etc if we never date? We cannot discover this stuff in bed but we can if we interact with and observe oen another in normal real-life situations.

I guess I wanted to post a positive message since my last one wasn't so uplifting. This is the real me. But then so was my last one. I guess this just poves that we're all multi-faceted individuals. Feel free to respond if you'd like. My email address is never2busy4u@hotmail.com.

From Lilblkbear@hotmail.com

First, I would like to say I like this site alot! I read the realtionship section in the black forum and I can relate with alot of what was said. Me. being a man of color find it very discouraging today to find someone to love or have someone to love me. Another thing, it pisses me to hear bruthas say they are not into black men. I know everyone has their taste, but to hear something like that makes me think about Uncle Tom's with a  gay appeal to it. Then they run off with the ugliest white man this side of creation. But getting back to the realtionship topic, I have only been
two relationships both gay and I knew these people weren't THE one. My main
problem was they couldn't relate to me, but as black men have to learn to adapt to other cultures in order to live and survive. They felt it was to  difficult to adapt to mine. For the longest time I thought it was me and sometimes I still have that feeling. If you coulddn't tell my ex-lovers  were white men. Now I hold nothing against them because I believe in equally for all. But I looking for a lover that can relate to me as I to him is a hard as finding a good job. You almost need them to take the piss test and all. But for all the bruthas out if feel like I do or know what I'm talking about or even been through what I'm going through, HOOK ME UP with some advice.

Sammy

From ARION350606@USA.NET

Yes I believe also relationships are so hard because the person that you are involved with probably ain't the one that you would want in your life, I know that because I been through a couple of relationships like that and I'm still search for that special
someone .

From  blksettler@aol.com

Relationship can be improved when we concentrate on what we need, rather than what we want. Like children we want that eye candy, firm thighs easy on the eyes. But what we might need is something totally different. I too have been guilty of the same crime. Being a total bottom I've met guys that have contacted me saying they liked my profile but they were also bottoms, my reply was cool, even thought we're not sexually compatible we could still be friends. When your chatting with a brotha on line, one of the first questions are, type of work, are you masculine, or what you into. Fellas try holding a decent conversation everybody isn't a roughneck, sit down maybe catch dinner. If we truly desire a serious relationship then we have to change our approach and broaden your field of search. First ask yourself what are you realistically bringing to the table, then consider your weakness, and find a companion that shows or reflects those weakness. Your Ying is their Yang and appreciate them, learn and get a true understanding. Actually date, learn that persons favorite food, favorite color, mood swings. And remember if your relationship becomes boring, then you must accept half the blame and until you learn the formula for a real relationship you'll hop in and out in and out, or you'll have one of those fake open relationships. So please my brotha get it together.

From globelife@yahoo.com

Gay relationships can be as tedious as those between heterosexuals. However relationships between blackmen can be much more stressful. I think someone may have stated in a previous post that we are hindered by family, religion and society. We have grown up in a society that has given us (blacks) the hard end of the stick. Alot of us have grown up in broken homes and have seen hardships in one way or the other. Our relationships are shaped by what we see and experience as children, and we carry those experiences with us into our adult lives. I am now 27 years old. I met my first lover when I was 20. Although this relationship lasted for 3 years, there was continuous straying which not only hurt me, but put my life in danger in this age of AIDS. Thank God I am HIV free. I spent alot of time with my friend and partner. We got to know each others families very well. But when I reflect on the things he shared with me about his childhood, and how his father treated his mother along with the rest of the family, I realied why our relationship was the way it was. Even though my partner is educated and very successful in his business, he could have used some counseling. This is a first step to any type of successful relationship. All people could use some type of counseling. In the end I left the relationship in order to gain some peace of mind. In my next relationship which lasted 3 years also, it was pretty much the same. Now I had to look at myself as a person and ask myself why I keep choosing the same type of person?

I have taken a serious look at myself, and at the things that I wanted in a relationship. I realize that we have so many hinderences from family,church, home and society, and we may never ever find a perfect relationship with another someone of our own gender. We continue to look for those lasting relationships in vain, because we may be looking for the perfect guy. Yes we want someone to be faithful and monogomous with us. I hope to find that someone also, but I am first happy with myself and the accomplishments that I have made in my life, career, and spiriutality. These have made me whole through and through. We can't expect to be happy with our partners, I mean truly happy until we find happiness within ourselves, be honest with ourselves and the people we hold close to us, ie; our family and friends. When we have done this, then and only then will we be able to find our soul mates. We have yet a long way to go, but there is hope as long as there are places like Da Site to bring insight into The Black Gay Mans Life.

Eton

FROM  TROYD77721@AOL.COM

I HEAR CONTINUOUSLY HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO FIND A LOVING, COMMITTED, STABLE RELATIONSHIP. ALTHOUGHT IT MAY BE CHALLENGING..IT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED ONLY IF ONE BELIEVES THAT ENDURING LOVE BETWEEN 2 MEN IS TRULY POSSIBLE. THERE ARE MANY BROTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN BURNED AND HURT BEFORE AND THOSE EXPERIENCES CAUSE THEM TO ABANDON THE IDEA OF COMMITTMENT ALL TOGETHER. I'VE BEEN HURT. HOWEVER, THAT HASN'T CLOSED MY HEART NOR HAVE I GIVEN UP. EXPERIENCE MAKES ONE WISER. I BELIEVE MANY BROTHERS AT THE CORE OF THEMSELVES (IF THEY TELL THE TRUTH) TRULY DESIRE TO BE LOVED. THOSE WHO CAN HAVE SEX AND BE EMOTIONALLY DETACHED, WOULD RATHER TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT BY KEEPING A "RELATIONSHIP" PURELY SEXUAL... BECAUSE THAT MEANS NOT HAVING TO REALLY RELINQUISH EMOTIONS AND VULNERABLITY WHICH IS IN ACTUALITY THE COWARDS WAY OUT. FOR SOME REASON SOME OF US BRUHS FEEL WE MUST EAT GLASS TO PROVE WE ARE MASCULINE... IT DOESNT TAKE ALL THAT. IN SOME CASES THAT MENTALITY KEEPS US FROM THE ONE THING WE EVADE BUT DESIRE THE MOST.

BOTTOM LINE...ONE SHOULDNT HAVE TO UNDERGO DRAMA AND CHAOS TO ACQUIRE AND SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP..NOR SHOULD ONE SETTLE FOR BEING IN SITUATIONS WHERE ONE IS BEING TREATED POORLY,BUT RELATIONSHIPS DO TAKE WORK!!! LETS FACE IT DESPITE ALL THE ISSUES FACING AFRICAN-AMERIACAN GAY MEN SOME BROTHERS WANT THE NUTURING AND THE OTHER FRINGE BENEFITS WITHOUT PUTTING FORTH AN EFFORT...SIMPLY WANTING THE MOST THEY CAN GET FOR THE LEAST. HOW CAN LOVE (IF ITS REAL) MANIFEST AND GROW IN AN ENVIRONMENT SUCH AS THAT. ALL IT TAKES IS A CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT ONE'S TRUE DESIRES ARE BECAUSE THOSE WHO ARE UNCLEAR WILL REVEAL THEMSELVES THROUGH WORD, DEED, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY..CONSISTENCY OR LACK THEREOF!!!

From Dariusmnw@hotmail.com

I think that gay men of color can't sustain a monogamous relationship because they are always worrying about what people may think. For instance, most black gay or bi-sexual men that I know are out to their families because they are either to afraid of rejection or isolation or it's the fact that most black families believe that homosexuality is a sin and plus the fact that they believe that homosexuality is something for, excuse my term, "White People". In today's society people have started to somewhat accept homosexuality but African-Americans are way behind the rest of the world in this race. From my experiences an African-American family can accept a female being gay moreso than a male. That is why i think that men of color find it hard commit to a monogamous relationship with a another man, and in some cases women to.

"Donnell", 18
Miami, Florida

 

From stratus97

Hi all. I think that the reason most Black gay relationships do not last is because of a lack of honesty. I personally have ran into a lot of brothers who talk a good game, but is never able to back it up. Honesty is a Hard Reality for most of us. Some don't even understand what it means. For most "LIFE" is no more than The Clubs. To some "LIFE" is no more than "SEX" and Penis sizes. I have always and I do mean always run into a brother that states the following:
1. He would like to settle down, a monogamous relationship.
2. A brother who is not into games. "Sincere"
3. Want more out of a relationship then "SEX"
It's very very hard to find a brother that want at least these three qualities that I desire in a mate. Lust is all I run into, and after a while it's very tiresome. I'm 36yrs old, I take care of myself, Professional person, Independent and seeking the same. Attractive, well-groom. But that's not enough for the average guy. Guys always want more and more, never really satisfied with want they have. At times I wonder about the Gay life style. Is it really all about sex as it's hypothetically stated by society. think about it fellows. It's a brain twister.

Take Care All!!!!!!

From CHE4343132@AOL.COM

BLACK MEN CAN SUSTAIN RELATIONSHIPS AS LONG AS THEY ARE COMMITTED. SAD TO SAY MOST BLACK GUYS OUT THERE ARE JUST OUT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND THIS CAUSES PROBLEMS. BLACK MEN WHO ARE PROFESSIONALS ALWAYS TEND TO HAVE LONG RELATIONSHIPS AND THIS I THINK IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE STABLE BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT BROTHERS WHO ARE NOT PROFESSIONALS CAN'T HAVE LONG RELATIONSHIPS. ALSO WHEN A BLACK MAN STARTS OUT AS A PIECE OF TRADE AS THEY SAY THEN HE IS LESS LIKELY TO SETTLE DOWN TO A MEANING RELATIONSHIP. THEN YOU HAVE BLACK BROTHERS WHO SAY THAT THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS AND FROM THE TIME THEY SEE YOUR FRIEND THEY ACTUALLY GO ALL OUT TO ENTRAP HIM AND SOME OF THEM ARE SO WEAK THAT THEY FALL VICTIMS.BUT ONCE BLACK BROTHERS FIND WHAT THEY WANT IN A BLACK MAN THEN THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT.

 

From Shawn

I have very limited experience since I have only had one adult gay experience. I found it to be the worst relationship I have every been in. To be completely honest. I brought it on myself. I settled. What did I settle for. A man who was currently cheating on his lover, sleeping w/ whoever he met on AOL, and hypocritically professing his love for his lover, who happened to live in another city. What is so sad about this story is that it is not only common, it is normal.

I have learned that Gay relationships are very challenging. The basis is initial sex. There are very few constructive friendships developed. I am blessed w/ a handome face, and I take care of my body. I am also successful. I get alot of second, third looks from brothers who want to get w/ me. Problem is, as w/ the Black Gay Community, none of these brothers are interested in the real person. Sex is primary. Real friendship, loyalty, communication, and monogomy are second, if not at all.

Guess what. Only 10% of the Black Gay community are going to hear this message. The other 90% are looking at the PICS. So how can we change as a group when most of us are strictly interested in the Sex. Won't happen.

My advice to the brothers who read these words: 1) Never compete (competition works against the relationship) 2) Never tolerate a brother that lies. How many other lies have you heard and how many more will you hear. You come correct, and expect others to do the same. 3) Communicate, regardless of how hard you think it is!! 4) Forgive, even when you are absolutely right 5) If you want a real relationship, then ACT like it. Stop lying. Stop the BS. Stop chasing Brothers that you know can't, won't, and to be quite frank, are not capable of dealing w/ a real relationship. Very simple rules. But very hard to follow. Bottom line: Relationships are not easy. Don't hurt yourself by contributing to the problem. If you notice, these rules are meant to protect you and your relationship.

I can't control the other person, I really can't, but I have choices. I choose to treat myself w/ respect. I choose the try to be a VERY POSITIVE INFLUENCE for anyone. I am very good in bed, but I don't let my dick control my actions. For the brothers that are disappointed, frustrated, and tired: LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!! You can only change yourself. You can not change the nature of the world. Accept it, and DON'T SETTLE. You are contributing to the problem.

How do I know? Every brother that I have talked to, that was w/ a woman prior to being w/ a man, Never put up for Bullshit that they are putting up w/ now. I ask them why are they allowing themselves to be treated this way? No valid answer comes forth. Because there isn't one.

Guess What? Even if you come correct, you can still get hurt. If you are all that, and I genuinely think most men are capable of GIVING!! Then one sorry brother will never take away the Fine qualities that you posess. DON'T LET HIM!!! You still have them, even when the relationship is over. Notice I haven't said a word about Dick size or sexual prowess. I am talking about REAL qualities that enhance a relationship.

I challenge brothers to disagree w/ me. I challenge brothers to agree w/ me. I challenge brothers to change themselves. Take a hard look at yourself, not the Black Gay Community. Look for the positives in others and be a positive influence on others. That is how we individually bring change to the Black Gay community. That is how we improve our community.

Thanks you for reading these words. God Bless.(Speaker thanks for the in depth feedback. Just one correction however. Da Site has a very sophisticated audience of black gay and bisexual men and this page recieves hits on the order of the picture sections. Da Site has been carefully crafted to not only draw high caliber males of color like yourself  but also to keep you coming back with in depth and provocative features. As an audience member matures in his  surfing habits and overcomes his indifference  he comes to appreciate Da Site more and more. This dating forum alone is more comprehensive than most sites on the internet can boast and is testament to the effeciency of Da Site to attract and  aggregate males of color like yourself !) 

My email address is Sexyblkm98@aol.com

I feel that two black men can have a monogamous relationship but it is something that has to be first discussed up front I always tend to blame myself when a relationship doesn't work out but after analyzing the situation I realize it was always the fault of both parties. We didn't express in the beginning what the result of the one night stand or the casual phone conversation was supposed to lead to if we had done that i believe it would have been much easier for them to work out but since that was not the case they fail. I think that communication is key and without it no real relationship lon lasting or short term can truly be established
peace and love
to all my beautiful black brothas
JB

From  johnowen_20@hotmail.com

I believe the reason why black men have such a problem in maintaining long lasting relationships can be contributed to quite a few different things. However, I will attempt to limit my opinions on the matter.

As a 28 yr old black male, who has been in a committed relationship for 8 yrs. I think that too many times we find it easier to just let the relationship go, rather than working on the problem. I wish that I could say that in  the time that my lover and I have been together, it has been smooth sailing. However, there has been betrayal,
cheating and deception. Yet we've always managed to work through it all.

When we first hooked up our expectations of a "gay" relationship were very different. I think I had the better understanding of how the relationship should work; but I had to keep in mind that he was not in the same place as I was. We communicated our needs and feelings,  and worked from there.

In regards to cheating and all the other things that may come with any relationship, we've had to step back and decide if our relationship is even worth salvaging. Of
course it is quite difficult to get beyond the hurt feelings, lack of trust and ultimately the damaged ego. But if the love for one another is there, I truly believe it can work
out. Both parties have to be willing to put every ounce of strength, love and forgiveness than can muster. I'm not saying that anyone should be a doormat. But if you have someone who's made mistakes and you can SEE a change in their behavior. Then it might be worth saving. 'nuff said- jos

From  JJONES3259

I BELIEVE THAT MEN OF COLOR CAN HAVE MANAGOMUS RELATIONSHIPS, IT IS NOT EASY, BUT I FEEL THAT A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO BE WORKED ON AND IT TAKES MANY YEARS TO ACCOMPLISH AND THE 2 INDIVIDUALS MUST WANT THE SAME GOALS, AND I HAVE FRIENDS WHO HAVE ACCOMPLISHED THAT.

From hailosiris@yahoo.com

peace and blessings..

same gender loving men who are african american do have several of the challenges
that you spoke of. however, i believe that any problems that exist between us when
we enter into a true relationship, with a spiritual foundation based on mutal respect and love we can make love work. since are socialized to fear and hate our brothas, we do the same to ourselves. and as my brotha essex said over and over in his incredible work; when you get two brothas together and both of them have that anger and energy and fear that we usually use to defend ourselves, what is created is sometimes explosive, but always on the path to beautiful. at least that has been my experience.... love the site!! keep up the good work

From An Anonymous Speaker

Gay relationship are possible but harder. With that in mind it takes a little more nurturing, a little more understanding a little more strength, a little more courage, etc. I am a Caribbean man who lived in the USA for 12 years and sadly, most of the men I met were fickle and false. They run at the slight difference because they all have that Cinderella fantasy at the back of their heads...some will rescue me out of my lonliness. Here are a few things to make it work.

1. Know yourself - first.
2. Know what you want.
3. A Relationship is work. Hard work.
4. Be real. (We never knew what happened to Cinderella after the Prince rescued her? She turned out to be not palace material!).
5. Life is a journey. One bad experience should not determine how you live the rest of your life.
6. When you commit...you are committed.
7. Big does not always mean better. All the sex in the world cannot replace someone who can be there for you.
8. If you like big things...make sure it's an all round thing...big bank account, big brain, big heart and big ears to listen to you.
9. Know when to move on.
10. Learn to forgive...yourself first and others after.

 

From  hcsajb@gwumc.edu

Hey, Mike!

In reference to the difficulty of gay relationships, I've read several of other's peoples opinions and thought that I'd send my own to see if you or anyone else agrees or whatever.

My experience has been that I seem to spend all my time running after men who don't want me and running away from men that I don't want. I'm 28 years old, reasonably attractive, with one of the most respected careers. I have perfect credit (LOL), my own vehicle, place, etc....I guess just like a lot of single brothers out there. So why in spite of the fact that my career is on point and I'm cool and masculine and all that other stuff am I manless.

My belief is that it's an ego thing for me and most men. Once you get hurt in a relationship, which we all have, it's hard to fully trust someone again. True you should get over it and move on, but that's easier said than done. You meet someone that you really like and the first time they "fuck up" you already are like "oh well, fuck that nigga!" All it takes for me is a missed phone call. That's how bad it is. You try to show him that you care, and if you don't get that back then you step away....maybe to quickly.

I know for me that I wanted to be treated like I'm important and I want to be important to a person. I can't be an afterthought at the end of the day before he goes to bed. Most of us as brothers don't want to show that much affection because we don't want a brother to know how we really feel sometimes, especially when
we like someone else. I'm guilty of that myself. In other words, we don't want someone to feel like they're all that to us. I'm not sure why that is....any thoughts?

 

From  jmlyle@yahoo.com

I will be honest. I was married for 14years and have 4 children from this marriage. I was with a brutha for 7years and I can truly say that the love I have for this brutha was true and 100%. We have broken up and since then I think my love for him has remained the same. Now, the good part. . . . I feel like most if not all bruthas don't know anything about love. When you try and teach them or just show them they don't get it. I guess it is true for all men, gay or otherwise. I consider myself to be a bisexual brutha who has a good ideal of what love is and how to show love to my partner. I have yet to find aother brutha who is like me. I have talked with several brutha's gay and not gay and they all have the same way of thinking. It is either a control thang for most or they are players with a small "p". All I want in my life is one, one partner (perfer a man) whom I can love and be loved by. I honestly don't think that bruthas are able to show love. Slavery still controls the mind of many of our bruthas. I consider myself a very rare person. I also will add that I know I have something to offer another brutha other than great sex. I have feelings and beliefs that I feel are not bad, but to find someone (a brutha) who is like me, never will happen. Since my past experiences I have told myself to give up on men. I just don't have the time to deal with someone (looking for love from them) who can't, won't and don't show love. I am only interested in my bruthas of color, so I guess that I must get that thought out of mind cause it "ain't going to happen". Wished I could find that speical brutha out there, but in Colorado, they don't exists.

From ebony.prince@hotmail.com

Why relationships are so difficult for gay men of color is a question with so many answers. To make the answer specific would require an application of this question to one's own personal life. In your relationships with men, past and present, seek out what factors/ingredients were missing that, had they been there, would've made for a smooth-flowing love between you and the "significant other" you were/are seeing at the time. A very easy way to discover what components are lacking from the whole is to get to know the person you're involved with and find out what things (no matter how little or seemingly insignificant) moves him. Put your own interests last and his first. If there's one that'll blind you from recognizing the needs of others, it's your own over-indulgence in yourself.  Taking the time to know someone exposes you to that which makes them happy and sad. The more time you take, the more you know. Find someone who is willing to make the same sacrifice in terms of interests. Both your needs and his are tended to when the sacrifice is mutual.
Now, let's be honest about it. If you're only looking for a quick fix lay and nothing long term, then you're putting yourself at risk of being hurt because your inner self is lesser importance (if any) than is your physique. Now, if this is what floats your boat then float on baby, but understand that the same energies with which you became well-acquainted with someone's body can be used to acquaint yourself with their heart and mind. Accept the fact that every single person in this world is different and that that is a beautiful. Yes, being involved with a man who shares many of your interests is thrilling. Know also that, though, that he won't share all of them. A lot of what disconnects two gay men of color emerges from a misunderstanding of the fact that difference is inevitable. Why relationships are so difficult for gay men of color is a personal question before it's a global one. The key lies in knowing with whom you're involved, knowing him well and having that knowledge reciprocated. Make change effectual in your relationships by doing what is imperative to have both your needs met. Talk about issues, get to know things, show concern and interest, make the necessary sacrifices and this personal question will become the global answer. Each and every one of us has a part of the answer in our own lives.

 

From An Anonymous Speaker

I feel that black-gay relationships do work. Athough the relationship that I previously was involved in did not work, I will not give up. It wasn't the fact that we were black-gay men that prohibited our relationship from lasting more than ten months, it was the fact that we let outside sources enter and cause confusion and problems. We were two people madly in love who just so happened to be gay!!! If we were an Asian-American heterosexual couple living on a farm in Maine 100 miles from civilization we wouldn't have lasted due to the fact that we would have found outside forces to pull us apart. I wish that gay-black couples realize that although the grass may look better on the other side, it isn't. "Everybody wants what you've got when you've got it."
---Wise Black man at Grambling State University!!!-----

 

From An Anonymous Speaker

this is about gay male relationships (or just black men in particular) I could be very angry at what every one has said but I'm not these views are all valid and within the context of each individual's life. There are also statments that sing out in most messesages such as "love yourself" maybe we should try to encourage each other on the things that we agree on and then chip away the stone until we reach a mutual understanding about the things that differ: (and of course stop worrying about what white people say or think becouse they are really not paying attention to us most of the time anyway!) Okay brothers! theres no reason for us to "feel" lonely or unfullfilled, (keep in mind these are just feelings and they come and go.) its the individuals responsibility to be content within themselves hopefully whatever avenues you choose they won't involve you destroying yourself in the process. (I hope I have made my point......)

From  sfarmer@howard.edu

Why do you feel relationships are so difficult for gay men of color? Is it because its unnatural and two men cant sustain a monogamous relationship? Are all men dogs?
To answer your questions, it is not unnatural from same gender loving brothers to seek romantic relationships among each other because our capacity to be attracted to member of the same sex is from our creator. It is GOD who made us and not we ourselves. I feel that relationships are difficult for all people (regardless of gender, race, or sexuality) because we must all remember that life is difficult. Any relationship, with friends, spouses, and partners will have its test. After all, if one never has rain in one's life, how can one grow from experiences. Therefore, I feel it's unrealistic for someone to think that a relationship with his life partner will not be difficult to come by and maintain. I also feel it is a matter of the standards one sets for oneself when one is interested in having a relationship. It is my belief that a person's boyfriend/lover status is an act Choice. By all the choices one makes concerning a partner, one chooses to be single. You choose your "marital" status by the standards you set for your eventual partner. You choose your status by the men you allow to come into your life. You choose your status by the men you decided to deal and not deal with. You choose your status by your behavoir and your beliefs. For example, because I am seeking the LORD for myself, I am working on establishing myself as a professor of mathematics, and I want to date those men who fit the standards I have set, my status is currently what it is. I am not ashamed of the choices I have made, and therefore I am not ashamed of being
who I am. All men aren't dogs, for if they were then many dogs (including me, and I know I'm not a dog) have made  their mark in this forum. Monogamous relationships between men of color are possible if both are ready, and willing
to do what it takes to maintain them in good and in bad times. GOD is preparing me and my future mate for some great times, and await the day when the LORD will send my partner to me.

Finally, I want to encourage the brothers responding to this question in the following manner:
1. JESUS said, "with Man, this is impossible, but with GOD all things are possible."
2. Paul wrote in Phillipians 4:13, "For greater is HE that is in me than he that is in the world."
3. In Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
4. The Bible says, "Is there anything too hard for GOD?"
5. In Romans 8:28, "For all things work together for good,
to those who love GOD who are called according to his
purpose."
6. Phillipians says, "For GOD will supply all your need according to his riches in glory."

 

From  rahiem121@aol.com

now where do i begin? I suppose at the begining would be a good enough place. We can't begin to imagine expecting the same thing among heterosexual relationships, much less to expect the same thing when it comes on to something so different and varied in so many ways as a gay versus a straight relationship.

grouping relationships and expecting them to fall under one heading is nothing short of shear madness. relationships are personal and diverse in every respect. they do not exist in a vaccum and should not be treated as a whole. to say that becasue there is a rift in the gay community about how a gay relationship should be percieve, is a clear indication that we don't understand the workings of a relationship is a down right insult to well thinking brothers. this rift should be a signal of individuality, something prescious...to be encourage and admire instead of something negative.

we all have our own opinion on how we would love our relation to flourish...your ideas, likes and dislikes are not mine. that's what make YOU so special and YOUR relationship unique. failures of relationship arent based upon the rift in understanding the common ground of a gay relationship, because there are NONE. gay relationship, like straight relationship fall apart for number of reasons. each unique and cannot be grouped to judge another relationship.

the success or failure of any relationship is purely the responsibility(s) of the individuals involved... good luck to all my strong, powerful, well thinking brothers who chose to trod down the sweet/sour, sad/laughter, passion/pain, trust/unfaithfulness, life and death of the relationship road...some of us will find utter joy and continuous laughter, for others pain mingled with joy awaits us, for the unfortunate, a constant uphill struggle pave our journey....for others the pathway we will never find......one love my brothas (Speaker I understand your reveling in individuality. But If two bruthas hook up and one believes that monogomy between  two men is possible and the other one doesnt then someone is going to be both hurt and dissappointed. Conversely if we both like to sling then all is well. And Contrary to what you say I believe that it is very important that we know such things about a potential companion; especially so in light of the HIV/AIDS epidemic that is raging in the black community. I encourage you to rethink your position my brutha)

In response to the brotha who responded to my previous thoughts...........(for other brothas read my first response)

You totally misunderstood the content of my message...to ask me to rethink my position is a clear indication that you did not understand my points.

I am emphasing individuality, because that is the only way we can effectively assess behaviour...God made us individuals, created us equals but different. Your hypothese, 'as to one brotha wanting to sling (as you put it) and the other doesnt', is indicative of this.

As you rightly said, and i quote; 'but if two brothas hook up and one believes that monogomy between two men is possible and the other one doesnt then someone is going to be both hurt and disappointed' ... this my brotha is the fundation on which i also stand...people are different, and as i said before, your likes and dislike might not be shared by me. Therefore we, like our relationships must be treated differently...

To add to my conviction that gay relationships are different from straight relationship and of such something different must be expected....I draw experiences from our society and its dominant belief. For many of my brothas, who will never be able to walk hand in hand down streets with their lover, or propose marriage by flying a blimp during the finals of NFL, or sit around the family dining table proclaiming undying love for their partner... are few of the many reasons, that we MUST see gay and straight relationship as something different. We want them to be treated as equals by society, but in contents they are different.

Further more we should'nt want our relationships to be similar to theirs anyways...theirs lack intensity, passion and flames, ours survive on these things...gay black men at our best are articulate, adventurous, creative, passionate, invigorating and whole lot of fun...we create unquenchable fires in each other soul and wrapped ourselves in the lustful beautifulness of another mans own...the journey continues.......with the powers of our minds, YOURS AND MINE

(Speaker I understand exactly what you are saying. In a nutshell you feel that our individual differences are being misconstrued by me as a rift in the community and I quote you as saying " there is none." My brotha many gay men are  living frustrated lives and frustration with love and relationships is very keen at this time. Before the advent of AIDS many men really didnt consider relationships an issue and as a result gay men had multiple partners some numbering into the hundreds believe it or not. However we know that limiting the number of partners we have is a part of having safer sex and should be encouraged. This had led many black gay men to bond into monogomous relationships or at least desire to bond into monogomous relationships. However many of us are quite confounded as to how to find a companion and then more importantly  hold on to one. For you to imply that this situation is arising because we are different is simplistic. A more logical and developed veiw would be that black gay men have come to many different convictions in the absense of black gay male role models as to what is correct decorum with respect to relationships. We have in essence found our own way whether good or bad, correct or incorrect based strictly on our individual experiences and convictions without the wisdom of those who came before us. This situation arises because most gay people grow up   isolated from others like themselves and parents will in no way allow an older gay male to interact with their gay son to guide him.  This  creates a type of negative conditioning  in a gay person and many gay people spend years undoing this conditioning caused by their family and friends who tried to turn them into heterosexuals! Consequently the damage has already been done by the time we are old enough to seek out companions and many of us really just don't know what to do or not to do. In reality the things that will stabilize and validate a heterosexual relationship are denied to gays. We cannot legally marry nor have our companions recognized by the law. For that matter most of us cant even let others know we have a male companion! Navigating through such obstacles courses in our relationship requires all the knowledge we can obtain. However instead of young gay men having the ability to pull on the experience of older gay males or seeing older gay males in loving positive relationships they are  creating their own rules and applying them to everyone that they  meet no matter how capricious.  In essence learning as they go along. If I could find a way to convey to young black gay males who are starved for love and acceptance not to throw away everything on the first person that touches that need then I  would. Many young black males with everything to live with such promising futures contract HIV from early encounters because they really didnt know what warning signs to look for. They really dont know that someone you feel like you could give your very soul to can in a year be someone that you loathe with your whole heart. Compounding the situation is a lack of real communication between older black men and young black men. Speaker this  lack of communication is a rift all by itself.   This forum like this website was created for us to learn more about each other in a constructive manner  and in the process develop a sense of community not defined by the experiences we have had in bars and nightclubs and sex parties. In just reading the many and varied views of other black gay men we become informed and thus empowered to make good decisions based on fact. I encourage you to explore Da Site more fully and you will see this rift that you claim does not exists more clearly!)

Final word from  rahiem121@aol.uk.com

' why do we feel relationships are so difficult for gay men of colour. Is it because its unnatural and two men can't sustain a monogamous relationship or is it becasue men are dogs?' - THE LATTER

And if the truth is admitted by gay men across the globe then we will be one step further in finding a solution...So what then is this truth?... The truth is that many relationships are driven my sex. This sex was preceeded by physical lust which converts itself into sexual fulfillment and then is confused to be love... When this once glorious sex becomes tired (for any party involves or possible for both parties) then some new fling becomes the centre of attention...and very soon the relationship is over and the cycle repeats itself...

This doesnt happen alone with men of colour but with men in general. The truth is, we are driven by our own sexual desires...which is often times the weak link in our chain of events. Lets not try to hide the truth, and the obvious torn in gay relationship's feet...Gay relationship is based on a highly intense physical attraction... and let me not be naive here; because many are sustained, not by love, not by sex but by MONEY...(DID I MAKE YOU GREEN WITH ENVY...HA!) We, as men think with our dicks and not with our minds. We often meet each others at the zipper instead of the mind. We will not allow the cute or butch brotha down the road to just pass by, even though we have one equally as fine, and in some cases even finer already in our beds.

The man of colour who finds the will power to say no to uncommitted sex (while he is already committed) has found half the key to a successful gay relationship. The other half will be designed with understanding, forgiveness, trust, space, security, cash, career, freedom and the list gets thicker as the relationship develops.

One brotha who said he's bringing 50 years of experience to the gay table, asked a very important question - Why must we as gay men, fuck our lover's friends...The answer...because we are dogs, and very few of us can honestly say otherwise.

I am not throwing stones, because I live in a glass house. It's an acknowledement of the truth and a desire to change that will make the difference...Many brothas will be hurt by this, but thats kewl ...THE TRUTH ALWAYS HURT. And many will screem, 'I AM NO DOG'...well right now in your 'grown up' life, you are not. But can't you remember when you were?.. Okay so you can't... well, congratulation on your new found life...Sorry to burst your bubble, but at one point or another in our lives, we all lived as DOGS. Unlike you, I chose not to forget but to use it as a stepping stone...

From  BlackNTX@hotmail.com

In order for any relationship to have a chance, there must  be a heavy dose of acceptance. Acceptance from a wide range of people and organizations; i.e., Parents, siblings, co-workers, neighbors, grocers, society in general. This
will take time. We are currently in a transitional phase. Single moms were viewed as a disgrace in the 1950's, by the year 2010, Most barriers to any type or relationship will have been erased. I see this change in the young people I meet, and how most of them are a lot more tolerant of  their fellow man, than me and my generation.

 

From omoruyikalongi@mindspring.com

I am a 35 year old black gay man and still hoping to find mister right. I believe that two men cannot expect the same kind of relationship that heterosexuals have. Society has it's traditonal beliefs and that's that.

I believe that the relationship issue for men black men who really want a relationship should began with studying spirtuality. Although I am not currently in a committed relationship I have found other ways to enrich my life until that day comes. After many years of searching the clubs for myself and someone to love me, I got tired and turned my focus inward through spirituality.

When I accepted the truth about myself, I was able to grow past the Mr Buff Body and Desiner Label Mentality that has majority of Gay Brothers defocuced and unaware of the truth. I have a great deal relationships ,straight friends, men and women who began to love me and respect me once I excepted myself, and stopped breeding that surface level mentality.

one last note; if you are seeking love, you have to GIVE it Unconditionally. Until I was able to give love without expecting a reciept, I kept getting hurt . When my motives arent pure I dont recieve the unconditional love that I seek. Be more creative also, it's not all at a club or party. We need to humble ourselves and help someone less fortunate than ourselves and see what happens. I no longer have that feeling of hopelessness that i once had. Spirituality has helped me see more of myself than just my sexuality. It has given me the one relationship that always be able to depend on: Me and God.

Love,Peace and Happiness
Omoruyi@hotmail.com

 

From An Anonymous Speaker

For me, it's a matter of black men not being comfortable with their sexual identity that explains why there are so few "stable" gay black relationships. We realize that as gay men we are walking the tightrope of being a double minority: disparaged on one hand for being black and on the other for being gay. This duality produces the daily challenge to seek affirmation or to self-affirm that we are still men, still viable members not only the black race but of the human race as well. So many black men I have encountered profess bisexuality when it seems so clear that they want a man's love and respect -- period. The sad fact is there are no support groups that enable the coming out process for black gay men to be somewhat an easier transition. The result is as black gay men we are more acutely aware of our solitariness, our singularity, when we try to embrace our sexuality. This separateness is hard to overcome even when the likelihood of a loving man comes along. Many black gay men sabotage their nascent relationships through fear of being "found out" or of a fear of rejection from either the "straight" world or their racial peers.

 

From  LloydCJr@worldnet.Att.net

My experience with dating GBM has had mixed results over the years. I have one ex-lover who has to this day remained my best friend. This brings me to the first of several points I wish to make about successful Gay Black male relationships. First we need to understand it is important that we be friends before Lovers. Good sex does not mean Love; just good sex. When we meet the great sex and nothing else necessary for our happiness learn to treat it as just that; good sex. There is a big difference in a Fuck and a Lover.

We need to learn to LOVE ourselves and then we can offer love to others.

Other racial groups are not responsible for our inability to maintain a relationship; unless we give them this power over us. Take back your life. We are responsible for ourselves. Along these lines; personally, I am tired of men who expect me to make their lives work for them. If you only have a body to bring to the table, then that is all you can expect to take away. By this I mean every Gay man out here is not willing to spend all of their time making you happy; i.e. giving you the things you need to survive. You have to spend some time taking care of your business.

We need to learn to Love not only ourselves; but other Gay men no matter their race. This does not mean supporting their negative habits; but, let them know we truly love and support their positive habits.

On the subject of AIDS stop ignoring the problem. It is not going away. Please take a more responsible attitude about your own life if nothing else.

The type of relationship that works for you is between you and your lover. Leave your family and friends out of it. I speak from experience as a man married to a women in the past and now the lover of a marvelous man.

Even if you tend to be promiscuious; must you fuck the friends of your lover? This definately does not a relationship make. Remember, we in the Gay community will not keep secrets.

You are probably wondering who would take the time to write this missive. I bring over 50 years experience to the discussion. I move very easily between both the Gay and straight worlds (both Black & white). For those who will attempt to put me in a hole; guilty, I am proud to be a member of the middle class. Oh, my lover and my daughter are the same age. Yes, my lover, his mother, my daughter, son-in-law and grand-son are very comfortable with the relationship.

Good Luck Brothers as you strive to make it work. No, I am not angry, just tired of the games.

Love to all.

From  CLSCARBER@AOL.COM

I feel that two black men can love one another, however it is hard for some (remember I said "some") brothas to committ. I was involved with this brotha and he had a lover already ( I know it was stupid, but anyway) I started It started off just being a sex thang, but I started to develop feelings for him, he took my affection and trampled over them. I am not bitter, but rather cautious about who I let into my heart. Sometimes we want the other person to be just like us in our feelings, however that is not always the case. If we would come to terms of exactly what we want then more of this type of relationship will last.

From obsidian2@worldnet.att.net

I am a excellent looking supremely well dress ed straight acting healthy professional GBM and I am rarely am having sex and have never had a study lover. I am more in love withmy hobbies and interests and goals and I am never really lonely.The reason why I think GBM's have it hard in the relationship department is because.....The black community as a whole is extremely divided on so many issues that we barely know how to communicate with each other and there is little money to politically tackle the problems. One controversy which has yet to come to the forefront is homosexuality. GBM's usually demonstrate a high level of pretentiousness, fickleness, manishness, weakness, dysfunction, unhealthy, awkwardness, confrontational, frustration, hostility, role and game playing. Sorry if I made it sound like the whole GBM community but a good 65% probably fall in this grouping somewhere.I think many GBM fall in the desire to appear straight as possible to the point they cant take an active stance on gay issues for fear of the their true slavemaster their own brother. My hypothesis is that blacks suffer on so many levels particularly in the realm of understanding class, substance and excellence we would rather find a street roughneck which leads to major problems since such types use serious powerplay games and dont give a shit about someone who needs them to fulfill the macho void. The gay lifstyle black or white is filled with tremendous self hatred. When I go to gay clubs where they are, cute or not, I am never impressesed by this group. The qualities and personal spiritual developement are severely lagging behind the buff body. I also believe major cities are becoming too stressful and difficult for GBM to develope overall. I also thjnk (masclnty and feminty) need to be examined. There is a lot of problems with the male world in general in this area. The black machismo comes from poverty- the white masculinity comes from achievement.Black relations ships in general are usually centered around a problems, parti!
cularly in film. We secretely promote the" mack" when in actually the mack is power less against any other part of existence other than black existance. Another problem is that the BGM community is very much an underdeveloped and limited experienced. There has yet to be BG love stories that portray truly handsome strong men. Have you ever heard of a BGM love song? Why are all of E lynne Harris books based on the unreal? The really important things the community needs have never been really addressed and most brothers are too mean and stupid to really care. We are concerned about beauty, fucking, money, and we as a race are filled with jealousy and hostility atleast that is life on the south side of Chicago . (opinion) Simple things like saying "good morning" are almost non existent between black men particularly in hostile urban environments. I am continually amazed at how little I am spoken to by black men in general during my daily affairs. They" mind the shit out of thier business" until it is time to ask for some change to buy some food. The world is becoming extremely sophisticated and complex -in fact most movies about the future dont show much of a black race. Unfortunately I see the possibility of that as very real. Too me blacks and black gays have regressed since the 1970's.Although gays have butched up considerably since that time- they still remain unsupportive of each other largely possibly due to competition for love. Ultimately my ideal mate is probably hispanic, arabic or other. I am not a sell out but I know from experience that black folks problems are not really created by white folk but are created by the dark forces within our own community. BGM's problems could be solved somewhat if we start at the roots. (My brutha I understand fully how you have become indignant with the black community as a whole. But before you go and blame and rebuke the black community remember whence it has come. It was inevitable that we would face a backlash. We no longer perceive a real threat from without to struggle against having been lulled into a false sense of security and being the children of struggle we now struggle against ourselves. It sad to say but we have been  nurtured  into inaction because on a very subtle level we as people of color  are encouraged and rewarded for certain behaviors and punished for others. The media plays a big part in this conditioning. For example almost  all of our political learders are painted  as jokes or insane; i.e, Jesse Jackson or Farakhan and black leaders who cant be painted thusly are condemned to obscurity. After all when has this country ever wanted to see blacks as anything other than entertainers and athletes. So  it has given great voice to these entertainers and athletes who are in no way suited to be the real movers and shakers of the community. Where are the Frederick Douglasses or the Harriet Tubmans? Can we no longer produce the Martin Luther Kings nor the Rosa Parks? A study of history will show that even in the periods of worst  racial segregation white america  still found blacks to be most useful as entertainers and athletes. We are rewarded for entertaining them and punished for making them take as seriously. In just making that statement I and my website will be punished; have been punished. Websites dont link to Da Site not even the so called black websites! They are much to conscience of the almighty dollar.  But I am not and nor is my website about pleasing people just to get money. So I admonish you my brutha as a strong man of african descent not to abandon your people in their time of need but having seen the situation become empowered and do something about it. I created this website as a way that I could give voice to people just like you! I appreciate the time you have taken to send in such a scathing remark and I know that it will cause others to think and therefore to act.)

 

From  johny82@hotmail.com

I truly believe that there can be a long lasting relationship ,between two gay males.But we all have to realize, that alot of times brothers are with a certain person for other things but love. And due to that ,men don't realize the serious implications of the matter,if another man falls in love with them. I'm taking this from personal experience. I was in a relationship for 3yrs.,then one day he decided he was uncomfortable with him and I. It wasn't me it was him,because he thought of himself as an unworthy person, and with his rejection of me, i was thrown for a loop. I cried for days ,thinking of how much i cared for him. But that experience has taught me a valuable lesson. Without love and full acceptance of yourself , and a little patience and tolerance,to understand your mate,it's not going to work.But , also realize that a relationship is work and not games. There is a time and place for everything. Respect and Love each other,and therein lies your foundation,everything else will fall in place.

 

From murphy_bobby@hotmail.com

About black male relationships...
I believe that it is possible for two black males to have a stable, positive, long-term relationship if both parties are willing to commit to each other. There must be a sincere desire for the relationship to work as well as love, trust, honesty, and money helps. Keep the faith.

 

asad4@hotmail.com

I as a black gay man have a question to pose to my black brothas:

Can black men act as role models/mentors to young men who are trying to come out and deal with their homosexuality in a positive and supportive manner? If the answer is yes, why is that I hear of so many horror stories where brothas older in life have emotional and   sexually abuse the relationship they have with the younger individual. Are we too greedy sexually to draw a line and say "This person needs me as a friend and not a sex partner."

From  asad4@hotmail.com


I believe it is highly possible for to black men to be involved in a positive relationship, nuturing, and mutually beneficial  relationship. There is a difference when two men are in a relationship, but the emotions expressed and personal expectations should be the same. As men we tend to be sexually oriented more so than women and I think this has a  lot to do with socialization of the sexes in this society. Men tend to be sexually greedy therefor, a lot of relationships begin  with a romp in the sheets without any idea about longevity between these two individuals. If we begin to talk to each other first and deny our physical desires long enough to find who the other man is and what he is all about. Is he compatible to me and my dreams? Will he bring something to a realtionship that I need to grow in? Can we talk through our problems with cussing and hiting on each other? Can our relationship be a role model to encourage the younger generation and older to
be monogamous? How did that last relationship end? If we ask these kinds  of questions first, then sex become the icing on a wonderful cake. Instead of  eating the sweet icing and finding out the cake is horrible.
Peace to my brothas, and may you find what you say your looking for.

 

From dread poet

Peace and blessings gods. Let me begin by saying that i think it isgreat that there is a place where African-American's can have an intelligent dialog. What i have to say i want to direct toward the people in my peer group, 18-24. I have had nothing but difficulty finding someone around my age group that is able to keep his d*ck in his pants. I am the type of person that realizes that sex does not lead to love. But many people tend to follow this myth. If you are with someone, be with them because they ad substance to your life and allow you to be better than you are by yourself. Don't be with someone just because there sex is good, because there is always someone out there better. Sooner or later, we all want someone to come home to at night. But if you spend your entire life dealing with people on a sexual level, by the time you're ready for a committment, know one will want you. You get back what you put out there in life, so be careful how you roll. Finally, i wan't to challenge all of us to prove not neccesarily to the rest of the world, but to ourselves that we are more than sexual beings. We are some of the most accoplished intelligent and attractive people on the face of this earth. Let's love each other and not just use each other. Peace and love

From  JFacts@hotmail.com

After veiwing the comments on gay relationships, I ultimately see different opinions as to what it takes to keep things going. Well, of course this is no suprise since we are all different people. I beleive there are many parts to any relationship. And as individuals we all place different levels of importance on those different aspects of a relationship. I believe that some of the more apparent aspect of a relationship include sex, love and communication (both truth and lies). We can be all pretend to be very philosophical, but perhaps we could better serve ourselves in this conversational quest by being open and truthful with ourselves if with no one else.
For example, would it be far to say that 'Looks" do count, size does matter and that effeminity is a turn off for some people. So am I right or am I wrong. It's really no wonder that we have a problem finding our soul-mate(s). I think also that we must face the facts that maybe our soul-mate does not fall within our immediate view. Therefore much searching takes place, which sometimes may take years. With this comes maturity and possibly acceptance of what we may veiw as someone else's shortcoming. Therefore, we may change our ranking of the different aspeact of a relationship. For example, communication (honesty vs dishonesty) maybe become more important than sex (dick size large vs average). Whatever it takes we must find within ourselves what makes us happy and what we can ultimately accept as reasonable. Since of course no one perfect.

From  velvet rope

I,ve never been in a male to male relationship like dating or the such even though I have had my sessions so to speak with a okay brother, yet on the subject of male to male relationships I'm not sure that it's the same as a heterosexual relationship
becouse as one person put it is becouse of the "downlow" factor resuting from the way society thinks about these relationships (in example the brother that i was seeing now and then I guess wanted a relationship yet this was my first adult eperience what the hell was I going to jump into a relationship for I think both of us was trying to deal with what was going on, there was no real honesty as far as the sexuality issue goes we didn't wan't to take the position of the less masculine one (I know now if you like being a man than just be a man.) so nothing seemed to go right. What I can say is that when your in a relationship like this you need to be very up front and strong (not beating each other over the head) becouse this is not the good ship lollypop, There are a lot of bumpnights and you have no one else to talk to in what was my case becouse who can you tell besides the one your with and that doesn't always work..........(Bruh I cant tell you how your feedback in particular has caused such angry responses from some people I know. You really hit a nerve with some of the types that stress the importance of education for gay males of color..lol)

From  lshoot@hotmail.com

I believe that two men can have the same type of relationships like a man and women could have> But, it more difficlut to keep going for m/m relationships are hard to deal with. Men are not able to stay faithful and only love that special someone they have to find someone with a bigger dick or still trying to prove
that they are attracted to women.

From diz_2@hotmail.com

Two men can be in a loving and committed relationship. But the dynamics of the relationship are going to be different from the dynamics of a typical heterosexual relationship. The differences can be from the way the two guys have been socialized in this society to how they choose to show affection to one another. There are just two many different factors to name. The bottom line is two men can make it work if they give the maturity, love, and respect that their relationship is due.

From bbid.hotmail.com

I think where ever a black man or a black woman find love, they should hold on to it and hold on tight. Men and women need to stop playing games and open up to one another so that they can find a lasting love. Sex is not love, but when you love the person you have sex with, it is much better (I feel ya)

From  yelloprinc

Depsite society's outlook on same sex dating and the closeness of the relationship, the relationship will only work if the two people wants it to. True enough society does not except same sex dating and marriages but, it is left up to the individuals to control their futures, whether together or apart. Even though a person engages in a same sex relationahip that does not mean that the distribution of love changes. Who said that the love that so called "heterosexuals" share is different from the love that homosexuals share. Love in both catogories is timless. If two men or two woman believe in the power of love then the power will exalt itself through those two individuals. Homosexual relationships have the same problems as hetrosexual realtionships, there is no difference in the relationship only the gender.

From BIMMER850i

I believe two men can have a lasting relationship. It all depends on the individules. If you take two brothers who are looking for a long term relationship, and not into games or worried about how big the next brothers' piece is, it can work out. I have been with my partner for 3 wonderful years. We love each other and know where our priorities are. And because we keep each other happy and know where the home is, this relationship will last. If you do not believe me, look me up in 10, 15 or 20 years and see who I say my BOO is..........(As the sweet bruthas say it, You betta work Goddamit!)

From an anonymous speaker

I believe that it is very important for black men and women to stick together. This society has been constructed in a way so that our people cannot achieve power and success. I'm a black woman who is very committed to her Black man. I will do anything for him. A lot of the problems that Black males and females have in this society and all over the world is not from our doing. I'm happy for any man who has pride in himself and love. I do believe that man and woman are one. We(black men and women) owe it to each other to get education and understand why society is the way it is. It is important to remember that there are many black women all over the world. God made a perfect match for each man. Peace and love this message is with good intention. (Oh Lawd who let da Jeehovie Witnessus up in da HOuse!)

From  elharris@hotmail.com

Mike,

Two men in a relationship is far different than the "norm" of  a heterosexual relationship. Because of society and its influence two men-especially two black men must usually go about a relationship differently. Society has made it difficult for men to engage in open loving relationships. To a degree, not being accepted by society (or at least our own) has put strains on black gay male relationships that heterosexuals don't have to encounter. Most times the relationship is forced to be on the "DL". Its silly to say that  heterosexual and homosexual relationship are the same. They do share some similar aspects: both can have monogamy, trust, and dedication to making it work. But it is up to us brothas to step up and make it happen.

From  homeboy51

Yo What up Mike, I personally feel that a brotha to brotha relationship is stronger then a brotha to sista relationship. For the simply fact of I myself have been looking for that someone that I can do things that I like to do. I like wrestling and being rugged. While at the same time when the time is right, being passionate
and loving with out taking away from my masculinity. Man, I  just look for that brotha who will be closer than a brotha. But tjis is just my opinion as to what I want in life.

From  Paa4

I feel a man knows what I want and what I need. He knows what pleases me and how that will make me feel. Men on men relationships are beautiful and very special. I don't believe however, that we should recieve any special treatment. In the case of hate crimes yes. Everyone else is protected, why not gay men of color.

As for love and life with a black man, you just have to come upon that one that is: Loving, Trusting, Understanding and Faithful. A man that makes me feel special both on the inside and out. Making love not only to my body but my mind as well. Giving all he can as I give all I can. Equals and not role players. Two men of color loving each other as equals.

We all seek that but, why does the quick fix make it seem so impossile at times? I want a man to love me just for me through all the UPS and DOWNS and deal with the RESPONSIBILITY of being in a relationship. Finding a man like that is hard but not impossible.

From Charles in Norfolk

Men and women offer something different. However, a good
relationship is a good relationship. No matter who you're with. I've been in both kinds of relationships. Each one had its ups and downs. I must admit, though, it's a little more difficult to be in a relationship with a guy, because I'm very affectionate and public displays of affection are out of the question. But, with a woman, I COULD sneak a kiss or a smooch and wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

But, behind closed doors, it doesn't matter. Having a man or a woman is about the same. As long as I can get along with him or her. And as long as I'm laughing, and being treated the way I want to be treated, then it's all good.

Even, though, it DOES seem that bruthas give you less drama than sistas. So many women blow small situations WAY out of proportion--- on a daily basis. But, other than that, it really wouldn't matter to me. As long as they are smart, kind,look good, out-going, clean, successful and are GREAT in bed.