|
Yancey I got one for you,
Just to give a lil background. Okay I'm 19 and I start college in the fall. So I'm off till then. During high school I didn't try the relationship thing because I was still finding myself. Since I graduated last year I have been involved with two men but neither were relationship material, well for me anyway. So now I've been single for some months and it seems like I'm never gonna find someone. I'm not the club type and I don't frequent the sex parties or anything (I'm just not into that). Plus I'm looking for something REAL not just sex. So my question is. How can I meet someone? Don't say the online websites because my friends say they are just hookup sites and I'm not looking for that. LOL they try to hook me up with ppl but it never works. I always end up being their friend. I'm not on the DL but I don't just flaunt my homosexuality. Plus most times when I end up liking a guy I'm never their type. LOL I'm a big guy. I'm a good dude and I take care of myself and I look great. I don't see why guys don't go for me. My best friend keeps saying these dude are crazy because I'm the "ideal" boyfriend. LOL and shit I think so too. But right now I feel like I'm never gonna find someone. I'm not mobile so I can't really go anywhere unless it's with my friends. So Yancey what you got?
Signed Ideal.
You
said :
During high school I didn't try the relationship thing because I was still finding myself. My
brother the only kinds of people who use words like I
had to find myself are those who need to get over
themselves. Stop trying to be special. You
said : Since I graduated last year I have been involved with two men but neither were relationship material, well for me anyway. From
another brother I would have seen this as their being
rational but in your case its pure aloofness. My brother
you need to come down from your high horse. You
said :
So now I've been single for some months and it seems like I'm never gonna find someone. First
of all you are 19 and you feel you will never find
someone. LOL You
said :
I'm not the club type and I don't frequent the sex parties or anything (I'm just not into that). Plus I'm looking for something REAL not just sex. And!
Do you want a cookie ??? You
said :
Plus most times when I end up liking a guy I'm never their type. LOL I'm a big guy. I'm a good dude and I take care of myself and I look great. I don't see why guys don't go for me. Yada
Yada Yada.... All
I hear is please feel sorry for me, please like me,
please see that I am all that! My
young brother when I take all of that and put it all
together to me it says you have a real issue with being
validated. There are many reasons why a brother can end
up in your situation but in the end it always boils down
to the fact that they take themselves far too
seriously. See
you are not content to be self validated. From the way
you put it in your letter people should see that you are
all that! But everything is not coming up roses for you.
Is it? Something is wrong. Let
me tell you what I see going on here. First of all you
have checked things out around you. Unlike others, you
are not one to take anything in life on what people
would say face value. But going deep has shown you
things that have intimidated you. And
now on a deeper level you are not sure that you are a
person who can inspire love and devotion from the
brothers you find attractive. And yet you find yourself
looking for that right brother who will resolve
your uncertainty. In fact, you want the right
brother to do and say all the right things which
will prove to you that you are to use your own words
ideal. The operative word here is right. You
could date a thousand brothers and some of them could be
head over heels in love with you but only the right brother
would validate you. But so far these right
brothers are just seeing you as a friend and this is
wearing you out! Let
me help you. It's
not who you are in life my brother but what you are. You
are fully aware of who you are but its clear that you
have no clue what you are. And when you understand the
difference then you will have found your way. Its good
you are somebody a brother can admire but you also need
to be something he can love.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whuzzup Yancey
I am a larger than life(fat to everybody else)21 year college senior. My best friend is 19 year old sophmore. He is having a hard time finding/admitting his sexuality. He says he is not sure if he'd gay but all at the same time i have only known him to have crushes on/be attracted to dudes over the last to years. He will admit an attraction and let the attraction die down and never act on it( with the exception on this one time). At anyrate what should i do as a bestfriend to help or encourage him??
Now if I may have another moment of your time, I have a personal problem concerning me and that same best friend.
let me 1st mention that we are both virginz
however, he almost slept with the one dude whom i wanted to take my virginity and i had been on an emotional rollercoaster for quite sometime with this guy. It was so much going on with this guy until my blood pressure would spike during some of our dealings.
When my best friend found out of this he literally cursed the guy out, telling him to leave me alone and all but put his foot in the guy'z azz!!
months lata, i was at a youth conference in my hometown. I got a call from my friend telling me that one of his friend who attended a neighboring college was coming to get him and hang out.
....
I came to find out that he was planning to have sex with the very same guy i wanted just because he was curious about sex and he felt that guy was trustworthy.
whe says it didnt happen, because the guy couldnt get it up after my friend admitted he reallt just anted him for sex and he was really attracted to his inner person.
I held me own feelings aside to comfort him because the way i found out about thid was thru other friends and he didnt want his reputation to be damaged and was worried, so i comforted him.
Now a few more months lata this event is bothering me more and more. Some of the most simple things my friend does will spark that event in my head and leave me feeling like shyt.
I have been trying to press on and not bother my friend with this issue because it still holds a sore spot for him and he will just brush the issue off and that will piss me off.
Also because i'm generally the strong one of the friendship.
Our overall friendship is wonderful, so much that I love his mom and he love mine.
There's just this one blemish.
So now im like Effie White, " What about me, What about how i feel, What about what i need, What about me..."
signed Help Yancey!!
My
brother I read your letter carefully. Let me say
this. It is clear to me that for the most part you are
venting. On a more serious note that your blood pressure
was spiking during your rollcoaster experience with the
guy you wanted to give your virginity to shows that you
have a tendency to internalize your issues. Now
taking the behavior of your friend into account it
becomes clear that you have BPS. Now what is BPS? Big
Pillow Syndrome. And bro from what I am reading here
you got it bad! Let me be clear. Others treat us as we
treat ourselves so what I am going to say to you should
make you think before you act.
As
far as your friend is concerned the simple truth is that
he is not your friend at all. But I can see you
need him because you have come to feel a sense of worth
and meaning by being a pillow to him. That he went after
your love interest shows that he really does not care
about your feelings. That is not friendship my brother.
And then he told you one of the biggest lies in the
book. That ole he couldn't get it up lie. My brother
those two knocked some serious boots.
The
only reason why he won't fess up is because it would
give you reason to stop being his pillow. Listen to your
own words. "I put my feelings aside to comfort
him." Come on now! For real he only went after
this guy because he needs to keep you isolated and
therefore as far as you are concerned he will be the
center of your world and you will continue to be his
pillow. And yet you are hurting.
You're
not happy with this and the sad thing is you do not know
how to demand respect. Until this brother can respect
you he will never be your friend and that is your fault!
Yes you are a big brother. Yes many people are going to
make an issue of it but you can overcome that by
respecting yourself first and foremost, putting your
faith in God's love for you and not fearing the
times you are going to be by yourself in this world. Its
the fear that turns you into a pillow my brother. And so
its going to be the courage that's going to bring you
out on top. Remember my brother you are never
alone. When mother and father foresake you He is
with you. There are some good brothers out there who can
love but you got to be somebody they can love. But until
you can respect yourself and demand that respect big
brother or not then you are nothing other than
somebody's pillow.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yancey whats going on, hope all is well with you.
Quick question. Im currently pledging a fraternity. I am to my knowledge the only homosexual to partake in the 'educational intake process" And therefor if i get my letters will be the only homosexual in the chapter. Also along with that i would be the first openly gay greek at my school. Im not sure how i feel about that i have fears of becoming the talk of the town. I dont want other men and potential brothers to change there views of the organization i also dont wanna be the brother known as "the dude in that gay frat" or vice verse "that gay dude in the frat" I just wanna do what would be right for the org. And help bring in good men that could serve the org well. signed what is ur take on
this My
brother not many people get the chance to be a trail
blazer so I salute you. As with all those who blazed
trails in the past there will always be detractors. So
don't concern yourself with people who take a negative
view. Pledging
a fraternity is one of the high points of the college
experience and has life long benefits and too many
brothers who couldn't conceal their orientation where
shut out of the more prestigious fraternities. But your
courage and determination shows the rest of us that it
can be done and that it is the right thing to do. I
feel your excitement and the sense of wonder that comes
with accomplishment. And I rejoice with you because
these are the moments of life to be treasured and
remembered. So keep your eyes on the prize my brother
and realize that what you do you do for all those
brothers who will journey down this path in life.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey
Yancey
Im in a relationship with my first love, we met back in Junior high school, now im in college we originally started messing around back in Jr high. I fell in love with him over time and confessed my love him he explained to me that he didnt know how he was feeling and he cared for me but didnt understand whether it was love or not. Yancey we spent all our time together hanging out doing everything and anything together then he moved to california when i was in my 2nd year of high school. My heart was broken. we kept in contact we discussed the sexual activites we had partaken in while we were apart. We basically kept the lines of communication open. Our friendship was still there. Years have went by since we seen each other and i tell him every chance i get how much i still love him and am in love with him. But something happened i didnt expect. He came back to our hometown where i still live and he told me he is in love with me and he missed me. I was excited but deep down im not too sure how to feel about it, not because i dont love him but because he lives in california and still has sex with females. Since i feel like im telling all my business. My main concern is this. We love each other but we are in two different places of the country. We have an open relationship only because we felt it would be difficult to stay sexually commited to each other since we dont see each other often. My friends claim that im stupid for being in open relationship with him cause he is so far away. They make valid points when giving the reason i should not keep giving my heart to him ie.. He isnt here. He is cheating on you, if he loved you he would be here, your relationship isnt healthy. They really dont see the purpose of having an open relationship. To aviod all the questions of infedelity. I dont know how to feel about my friends opinions some points are valid. But i love him with all my heart mind body and spirit. He shows me the same when he is here and even when he isnt here.
signed
How do i handle this?
My
brother when a gay black brother gets involved with this
kind of brother and have the type of relationship that
you two have; it is very special. The one thing that
your friends will never understand about your situation
is that what the two of you have transcends the petty,
superficial, transient things people often equate with
love and relationship. In fact this brother is going to
be in your life long after those friends are gone.
Now
I will say this. In this kind of relationship you will
be called upon to make a much deeper sacrifice then what
other gay men can realize. So as long as you can handle
it; its ok. Know your limits and take action when you
feel overwhelmed. Most importantly don't make the
mistake of hiding behind this relationship. What I mean
is that to a certain degree your love for him shields
you from the ups and downs that your friends experience
because no matter what happens in your life with other
men; he is there for you. This is good but can be bad
for you as a person. There are times when you must take
chances and sometimes these chances will lead to hurt
and pain but if you hide behind your relationship with
him you will never allow certain experiences in your
life that lead to true heart break or pain. Recognize
that what you have with him has nothing to do with what
you can have with another brother who is like you.
In this way you can grow as a person. Be aware of
when he is using you to shield himself from the pain in
his relationships with women and help him to see that no
pain no gain. Very few gay black men will ever know what
it is to love in the way you love him and that truly is
a gift. Be grateful but also recognize that your
happiness is just as important as his and therefore you
must live your life to the fullest!
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo whats good
YANCEY
Need ya help on this 1. My man he isnt affectionate. He told me he doesnt know how to love becasue every time he showed love to someone he ended up getting hurt. We dont do the holding hands, kissing, pet names, or anything that is remotely soft or caring in apperence. He is new to the life if you would. He identifies his self as being striaght and i am the only man he has ever been with. He tells me he doesnt even do these things with his past girlfriends and i believe him. One day when i asked him why doesnt he do it with me he said "thats how u would treat a girl" I had to explain to him that in a homosexual relationship there doesnt have to be specific gender roles, and that all i wanted was some affection. I told him its one thing to know that some loves and cares about you but its another when they say i love you and show they care sumtimes. He agreed but nothin changed really. I told him i wanted a kiss every now and then nothing planned i dont wanna have to ask for it cause then ima think i forced him. I told him i wanted it to be random when ever he felt the mood to be right. I asked him to just lay with one sumtimes and lets talk or just hold each other. Then one day he did and it was so beautiful. But with in a few more days it all went back to normal. I do give him credit for trying but Yancey what am i to do to help him be a little more affectionate and help him to express more of his emotions.
signed
wanting more
Ok
my brother right off the bat I can tell you that your
relationship with this brother will be a labor of love
because in the end you will see your only reward was
that you showed him love and that's it. Without you
really understanding this you are in the same position
with him that a woman would be with a gay man. Think
about that.
Furthermore
that you have to ask and cajole him into certain
behaviors shows that these things are not really in his
heart to do. More importantly he has already told you
that he doesn't want to be affectionate with a male. But
from your letter I can see that you don't respect this
and have made it your job to change him. MISTAKE!
I do not want to hurt you but the sooner you get pass
this brother the better. That you date this kind of
brother shows you have to really work on your self
value. Either way, in the end you will see that it won't
work. The question is how long will it take for you to
realize this. How much time must you waste?
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats
up Yancey
I
was readin the other advice you was giving and hopin you
could help me. The grandmother of my boyfriend just
passed and he is as expected hurt by it and needs his
space but i really dont know how to handle this. I know
how close he was to his grandmother and i wanna be there
for him i know the right thing to do is to give him some
space and im willing to do that but i really cant handle
the idea of being powerless while he is hurting i would
do anything to take his pain away but i dont know what
it is i can do. I am going to give him his space but i
know space isnt going to heal all wounds. I dont know
what it is to do i hate to see him in such pain and i
wanna help him but i just cant seem to think of any way
to help him through this tough spot. Please give me some
advice on this am i being possessive or sumthing or am i
caring way to much?
signed
tragedy432
My
brother I read your story and I tried to see what it is
you really want. Before I get into that let me make some
observations.
First
the thing that really jumps out at me is that even
though your lover has suffered a great loss somehow this
has become about you. Its clear that you are aware of
his pain and his loss but you do not know how to respect
it because its not about you.
Second
what is not so obvious is your insecurity. On the
surface you seem concerned and you portray yourself as
wanting to comfort your lover but in reality you fear
that this incident has given him a wedge by which he
will free himself from you.
Your
situation is a sad one because in a time like this you
would think that two brothers would come together but
your lover wants space. And yet there is hope. It will
be hard but you must show your lover that you respect
his pain and his loss by not making this about you. Make
this a new beginning by seeing that a true relationship
is not based on dependency but on mutual respect and
sharing. Instead of trying to take away his pain deal
with your own pain. Its clear to me that you are
hurting my brother but up until now maybe it wasn't so
clear why or what you need to do.
To
answer your question - yes you are being possessive. Are
you caring too much? Yes you are - caring too much about
yourself!
From
repsychable
I think that
sometimes the word 'space' needs to be defined in the
terms of the one who wants it, and that wasn't done
here. Do the two lives together or not? Because the
writer stated that he gave his friend some 'space' means
to me that he is not possessive neither does he care too
much. Often when death enters a relationship (directly
or indirectly), and it will for everyone at some point,
one usually don't know what to say or do toward the one
who has lost a love one. People grieve and/or mourn in
different ways. Understand the grieving process that the
friend has chosenfor and respect that. Yet hopefully,
during the process, the friend will see that he don't
have to go this alone and that there is somone who
cares.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What
it do Yancey,
Well i got a
question. Why is the gay black commuity all about
appearance and superficial things. I mean i can go into
any gay chat room and see men either talking about
someone "hating" if you will, or demeaning
another brother who has found a man. Then i have friends
who will judge a dude on his outside. Clothes, car,
money all the materialistic stuff. Then i have friends
who won't date a dude if he is not this size, or this
tall or eyes this color, or dick this big. I mean is
this really what we are about? I look for the quality in
a bruh, his personality and his ability to keep up a
conversation, but my friends are like you pick some ugly
dudes or say "i wouldn't date him". My
standards aren't high. Yes i look at appearance and
their benefits but i don't judge them on that. I'm
sitting here wondering, Why is everyone about
materalistic benefits and appearance than the heart and
quality of a brotha. Shallow isn't even the word for it.
Could you explain this to me.
signed
I wanna know
Superficiality
is by no means just a gay black community issue. It is
in my estimation to be a human issue. Across race,
orientation and even gender the preferences for
outwardly attractive mates with all the fixings is
universal! When you look at nature the male of the
species is universally chosen by his mate for his
appearance and virility which is often measured by his
physical prowess through physical conflict with other
males. Able bodied females tend to produce more
offspring and are therefore favored in the animal
kingdom. This speaks to the survival of the fittest.
In
a system of natural selection nature greatly benefits
by having the very best physical specimens pass on their
genetic heritage to the next generation of offspring.
Therefore it should not come as a surprise that humans
have a special sensitivity to appearance because this is
the defining factor that will determine their mating
fortunes. Like animals people tend to choose their mates
based on appearance and or the ability to provide which
speaks to the materialistic side of it. But unlike
animals human beings are endowed with Spirit
which is in the image of Divinity. So man is an
unusual thing in nature because unlike any other
creature he alone is given the power of CHOICE. Meaning
he either will give into his animal nature and be ruled
by his physical passions or he can find his God
center and become the master of all that is in the realm
of nature including most importantly himself. It is his choice.
However
the gay black community in the scheme of things is the
most vulnerable to losing its soul centeredness.
On the one hand it struggles as do all people of African
descent with concepts of beauty that are defined by non
African descended people namely European people. And so
that the further away you are as a black person from a
white standard of beauty than the more unattractive you
are considered. That hurts! Second the
internalized and well documented rejection that is
experienced by gay black men at the hands of the black
community really aggravates the problem because how can
we ever feel good about who we are on the inside in lieu
of entrenched negative views held by the straight black
community. So is it really any surprise that we cannot
value other gay black men for who they are on the
inside? The answer is No! Because the truth IS we
cannot value our own selves on the inside!
But
when a brother like you can rise up and go beyond just
the outward then you are not only honoring the Spirit of
your people but you are doing the will of your Maker in
whose image we are all created and because of which who
are we to judge another's appearance??? Verily we
are all made in the image of our Maker and after
his Likeness. And we all know that God is Love.
So where is the Love in our hearts for each other
my black brothers and sisters?
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey
yancey
i
am a 22 years old nigerian who is verse very cute and
honest dont keep much relationships cos i am not relly
into such,but i met this guy on the net a nigerian in
the same college with me i really went for him i loved
him and all.i sacrificed so much for him only for me to
find out at the end that he was seeing someone
else and finds it hard to let go.but that is not the
issue,the issue is that he loves me so that he does not
want me out of the picture and i am not the type that
shares.all of a sudden he started acting strange cos i
refused being he's second love he stopped appreciating
all i do for him i had a party and made him guest of
hounor but he turned me down the same nite and i am not
the type that likes stress and i really do love him so
right now i am confused cos i told him off yes i cant
stop thinking of him after 2years pls tell me what to
do.
signed
ADE
My
brother after two years you need to get over it. Really!
Other than that the only thing I have to say to you is
that a person gets out of life what they put into it. As
you said "I dont keep much relationships
cos i am not relly into such." And that says
everything. See when a brother finally came into your
life that you wanted to hold onto your ideal or your
internal attitude bit you in the ass my brother. Cos
he just treated you the way you like it whether you
understand that or not. But when you can see how your
inner attitude affects how others treat you then you
will have freed yourself. And this is what you need to
do my brother. Free Yo' Self from your
contradictory attitudes! You can't on the one hand say
you are not into relationships and then on the other
hand want to be in one. Come on now! Make up your mind
and however you make it up then live with it!
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey
Yancey,
I am in a
confused situation right now. I am 18 and a senior in
high school. I've been in the lyfe for a while now but i
haven't had a boyfriend yet. I am feeling
this dude in my class. He has a great personality and
he's laid back. To get down to it a brotha stares quite
a bit. Everytime i make a joke he laughs, and i know i'm
funny but my jokes aren't always that amusing. I wanna
know if he is down, but what is keeping me from asking
is that i'm a very well known dude in my school. I'm not
in the closet, my close friends know and some family
members but when it comes to school no one knows and I'm
not ready for school to know about me even if it is my
last year. How can i find out if he is down without it
back firing in my face? Is there a possibility that he
is down? Am i just to hung up on appearance ? At some
points i don't care if people find out but then there's
that nagging in my mind that, if people find out imma
lose all that i have worked for. I became a highlight in
my class through dedication in work and clubs and
knowing the right people and some help from all star
football cousins. I don't wanna lose this it took 4
years to get here. I know it's my last year i grad in 2
months but i don't want to have come this far and come
out and have a rocky last 2 months. Yeah it's not gonna
matter after graduation cuz most of the ppl i'm popular
with will be gone and imma have to start all over again
in college. I'm sounding shallow and immature i
know, but you were in high school once you are always
tryin to stay on your game, but this dude i am really
feeling. My bestfriend keeps telling me not worry what
people think but i'm like how can I? She keeps trying to
lead me towards asking him but i keep fighting it. I
wanna know if he and i can click but i don't wanna
jeopardize my rep. So Yan is it possible to probably get
him and keep it out the lime light? And could he really
be down??
signed Pop but locked
My
young brother you can't have your cake and it eat it
too! And from how you have presented yourself in your
letter I recommend that you not pursue any sexual
relationships with anyone until you grow up some more.
Bump what you have been told sex is not for kids!
Right now just get your mind into some books, get your
education. Sex and relationship will come in its own
good time like when you are ready because right now you
are not ready for it. And you are trying to make it
happen instead of letting it happen. And take it from
somebody who knows you will regret it if you go
after this brother because you are in over your head! So
just chill and realize you have your whole life ahead of
you.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WAT
UPP THIS REDD' MY ? IS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I
WAS MOLESTED BY A FAMILY MEMBER AND EVER SINCE THEN I
HAVE BEEN UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT GETTIN FUCKED BY A NIGGA...I
LIKE TO FUCK BUT WHEN IT COMES TO ME WANTING TO
EXPERIENCE IT I GET NERVOUS! HOW DOES ONE GET OVER THIS
FEAR...?
SIGNED
REDD'
My
brother your issues are really beyond the scope of being
given advice. You have experienced issues that require
your getting professional medical help or there will be
some very serious consequences. As it is by what you
have written you are already exhibiting mental illness.
Do yourself a service and get some help my brother. Stay
strong.
If
you need advice for your own problem or would like to
give this brother some advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wassup Yancey,
I have some what of a problem with an ex. We have now
been broken up for (3) months. Me and this guy were
together for almost 4 years. I am only 24 years old and
he was the third guy that I had ever had sex with, so
their was a deep bond their, just as friends. As time
went on, and we both starting growing and just living
life, their were situations were I was all he had and
vice versa. We started having problems about a year
before we broke up and I am still not clear as to what
the problems were or where they came from. His attitude
had gotten out of control and he had just morphed into
another person (A bad version of the person I met), so
after all of the arguments, fights, police calls (And I
wasn't out until they happened), and that I was like I
can't deal with it. The thing is, I am now starting to
miss him, the better him of course. I have only seen him
once since our break up, but I want to see the guy and
talk to him, maybe to get some clarification as to what
was up with him that caused all of he negativity. I'm
not stupid, I still love the guy, I thought I had a
winner, but I do not want to contact him in a let's get
back sense, but I would like to know what was going on.
I suspect he was cheating, but I don't really know, I
can only assume. But ont he flip side I feel as if he
wanted to keep me around or even possibly salvage the
friendship he would have done that instead of calling
the police and starting fights and all of that, so do
you think it would re-open an old wond if I called him
to see if I could get the truth out of him ? Your
opinion will be greatly appreciated.
SIGNED LOVESCHILD
My
brother your relationship style is categorized intense.
Most brothers reading your letter would never end up in
your situation nor would they understand the drama. For
example, you didn't go into detail as to why there were
police calls; mind you, calls not just a call but
calls! But that the police were called more than once
indicates where you find your level. And understanding
your level will open the door to your understanding not
only your lover's actions but the actions of your future
lovers.
My
brother understanding where you find your level is
extremely important because it will help you control the
powerful and deep emotions that are within you. Like
everyone else you have an inner self that you may or may
not be totally in touch with. For example I'm am sure
you have noticed that people often do things that are
done unconsciously. At times something that we do may
bother others and they will point it out and then we
realize that we were doing something that we didn't
realize we were doing. We all do this and as we get
older and more wiser we more and more come not only to
see what we do unconsciously but why we do those things.
All of this is no doubt covered in Pych 101 and without
getting too deep it is important to realize that there
are differences between the subconscious and conscious
mind. Jungian Psychology even postulates the unconscious,
transcendental and collective minds. Now I have said all
of that to say this. My brother you are without
realizing it seeking to create in your relationships all
the things you missed at home. Why do I say
this?
Well
you said " As
time went on, and we both starting growing and just
living life, their were situations were I was all he had
and vice versa"
Its heart felt but sad that at times he was all that you
had and vice versa. This means the normal support
systems of friends and family must have failed in your
life and in his life and it must have started for you
when you were young because you used the phrase we
started growing and just living life as
though the relationship enabled these things. Now
couple this with the calling of the police many times
and a picture starts to emerge about a turbulent and
trying life as a young person. No doubt you grew up in
an environment where you did not get things that many
take for granted. You never could just live life. And
whether its true or not, that you would state that you
have had sex with only 3 brothers tells me that you want
me to understand that you are coming from a place where
the relationship, where bonding, where me and my man can
make it regardless the storms of life if we are together
is more important to you than the sex. I feel you and I
am on the same page with you. But I want you to
understand that you are seeking in your lover something
you can never find in him. What are you seeking? Believe
it or not you are seeking the life you never had.
Moreover, you want to heal your lover because in
understanding how its done then you believe you will
heal yourself but this leads to much intensity in
your relationships. See the both of you start digging of
some deep stuff and then its on. This is done
unconsciously and for the most part you have no idea you
are doing this. In each new relationship you are taking
up where you left off in the old one but where is it all
going is the question? You are trying to understand what
being normal is. When I say normal I mean you want to
experience unconditional love, understanding, and
stability. But you are trying to find these things in
the relationship instead of finding these things in
yourself first. And making matters worse without you
realizing it; you are getting involved with males that
really cannot be with you in the sense that you need and
so your relationships are what are termed co-dependent.
In other words the two are you are together for
different reasons but none of these reasons are the
right reason. And so because the two are you are not
really on the same page eventually somebody wakes up
feels like I don't even know the other person. The term
is you become sudden strangers to each other. Why are
you setting yourself up like this? Well the answer is
simple. This allows you to then try to change them and
in doing so change your past. I could write a whole book
on your situation but that is not possible. And so if
there were one thing I would want you to realize then it
would be that you need to realize that your past is
behind you and your whole future is ahead you. You will
never and can never undue your past. You are hurting
yourself and others in seeking to do so. If you think
upon this long and hard you will see how you are doing
this. And its not fair to the black man you love. See
you are at all times needing unconditional and unlimited
love from your companion but you secretly fear that it
is not real and even if it is then it won't last. Why do
I feel this? Well you said "I suspect he was
cheating, but I don't really know, I can only assume."
Off all the reasons why your relationship failed you assume
it was cheating even though you admit that cheating may
not be the reason. I can tell you that a 4 year
relationship between two males will not succumb to
cheating alone; believe me. It will take alot more than
that. But this plays back into your not really
believing that love can be real or that it can last and
this has everything to do with your childhood and it
tortures you. Sadly these issues make their way
into your relationships eventually no matter how much
you tell yourself what you are going to do differently
once you meet that special brother. The only way to
overcome your kind of issue is to see that life is a
series of lessons and the more you know then the more
you can grow. This relationship is over and now you have
to understand what it has taught you. Wanting to
question him is really masking your need to undo the
past. In reality he didn't not "morph" into
another person; he just became a person that no longer
could be with you and vice versa. And due to your past
and his neither one of you knew how to let go graciously.
After all relationships are learning vehicles and some
of us just keep on failing grades.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey
Yancey
I
am confused about what I should do about this brotha I
am dealing with. I moved from home to go to school in a
different state, in doing so I met this nice looking
brotha who is everything I want and more. The issue is
he say that we are friends and growing but I look at it
as we are talking leading up to a relationship. We go
out to eat and to the movies and either I will pay or he
will pay. I consider that dating but he considers that
hanging out. I don't know what to do! Then there's his
ex's one of whom stays with him, but there like brothers
now(no emotions there as far as relationship), then
there's his other ex who I don't think he's over. He
keeps bringing up the fact that if he was to get back
with any of his ex's it would be the one that his not
over. Sometimes I feel like his over him and other times
I feel like he's not. And me and his ex's are all
friends, they tell me that they would never talk to him
on a relationship level again. But like they say actions
speak louder then words. Ol dude tells me that he cares
about me and like me a lot. He want to tell me
because he feels like why should I tell you when I show
it. I been single for three years, but any attention
thats being showed my way I do not want to pass up. He
also spends most of his time with me, I am just
confused. I don't know what I have gotten myself into.
Can you give me a better understanding about what to do?
Because this is like the Twlight Zone
signed
just confused
My
brother if another brother says he cares for you and
likes you alot then know you are not the one for him.
That old I like you alot and I care for you is a sure
sign that he has no interest in you as far as being
lovers is concerned. Straight up! This brother is using
you and you know it. You just can't accept it. To
use your expression ol' dude is looking for love
everywhere else but not with you and you know it. You
just can't accept it! I don't know you personally but by
the way you have presented yourself in your letter; I
understand why you been single for 3 years. Most of the
people reading your letter will miss the fact that you
are not telling the whole story. But in your own words
you said,"I
don't know what I have gotten myself into. "
Bruh you are chasin after a brother that you know you
can't have just based on you so you find yourself trying
to make one thing into something else! And you know it.
I can tell that you have become so many things to him
but you get nothing like that in return. And you know
it. Now what you haven't said is that he is slightly
different then other men in your past. How do I know
this? Well you said,"We
go out to eat and to the movies and either I will pay or
he will pay."
I know it was important for you to share this because it
indicates that you are very giving and unlike
other men he isn't as hard on your pockets but where he
doesn't take your money he is taking your mind. And you
realize now that this is even worse. But you are not
really sure why. So let me tell you. My brother what you
haven't realized is that your givingness is a form of
control. He realizes this about you by the way.
See
he likes dating controlling types but you came in the
wrong package for him and yet he is around you alot
because he is dumping his whole life on you and you are
providing the control he needs to be stabilized until
his next relationship. You know all of this some how and
it really unsettles you. You know that any day now
he is going to get with another brother and you will be
out of the picture. So why is this pattern in your
life. Well without you understanding it you are looking
for a brother that is everything you are not! See are
far as you are concerned if you can't be it then you
date it! Now catch that. But what you haven't
realized is that the men you get attracted to really are
everything you are not like dishonest, self centered,
good for nothing, players etc. See my brother you are
none of those negative things and when you wake up
you're gonna see that the brother you're going after
doesn't deserve you! In the mean time look to the Hills
and hold on to the Hope that one of these days
you are going to see what really matters and then Love
is going to find you.
From sumthinicanfeel
Email: parteehost@yahoo.com
To: Just Confused
If a guy tells you he just wants to be friends he most
likely is not looking for anything more and maybe even
something less. If you think he is giving you the
impression that he is looking for more with you then you
are mistaken. Acutally he is able to get his needs met
as if he were in a relationship as long as he is with
you. Moreover you are satisfied with the feeling of
pretending to date so you accept anything you can get to
spend time with him. Your need to have a playmate in
your fantasy is being fulfilled and his need to have a
nurturer and care taker in his life is taken care of.
The problem is you know it wont last --thats why you
feel weird and you want someone to tell you its gonna be
alright. Well it is as soon as you knock it off! He is
not your man!
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo
wasup Yancey...i got a question for u....
im
usually the one my peeps kinda turn towards for advice
and im pretty good at givin it..but when it comes to my
own affairs im stumped...lets see if u can help me out.
Im very comfortable in my sexuality as a gay black man i
embrace it even, first being proud to be a black man,
second proud of who i am as a black man, Im very much
masculine but i will flip the script and pop my fingaz
and roll my eyez..embracing the duality of being gay by
playing with the whole masculine-vs-fem thing that our
culture breeds. I said all that to say, that for some
reason i alwayz seem to attract one kind of man.
Obviously
gay men or flamboyant men do not approach me, they dont
even speak to me or notice me when i walk into a
room.... Its the bruhs on the streets, the thugs,
drugdealers, guys wit girlfriend /wives or guys
struggling with some type of sexuality issue that are
the ones that usually push up and chek up on a bruh ya
know.. In thislifestyle u come across so many elements
that its crazy, Im totally fine with that, ive lived
long enuff to know tha crap that comes with this game
and ive adjusted accordingly.. so please i dont have a
problem with that its just that i met this one bruh,
that i find kinda cool, im single but hes in some type
of relationship with this girl, that he doesnt really
speak to me about, which i can respect that, i dont
really care to hear much about her, but im not bothered
or threatened it either, we have been kickin it for
about maybe 2 years...mostly phone conversations but we
have hooked up on occasion, nothin heavy, hell come ova
and well watch the game or just chill out...at first we
were into each otha sexually, without being to
graphic...alot of hot nights...
anywayz,
the otha day we were chillin and things got a lil hot
but he pulled away, now im not one to initiate anything,
not with him at least, this bruh is all into me, we have
a really good rapport with each otha, but i have noticed
that sometime when we chill, if something should go down
and its gets a lil hot and bothered in the room,he now
would only go so far..before putting the brakes on
things, its a lot of touchin and grabbin and holding and
squeezing and all that good stuff but when its time to
get back down to it, he holds out..usually i wouldnt
have a problem with this albeit this would be how he
presented himself in the beginning, but its not and its
a new behavior that i dont know how to interpret, i like
how things are with us because everything is chill and
by him havin a girl that really creates a balance for
me, because he gives me the attention i need when i need
it, we still cool as boyz and we freaky when need to
be.... i know the boy is wrapped up into me, that i need
no clarity on cuz his actions speak louder then words
but as far as to him pullin away or holdin out on me i
dont get, ive heard him mention in our
conversations/hookups he will say something like...ur
gonna get me in trouble wit my girl... or ive heard him
say im not gonna wanna b bothered with her when i go
home..... i figure the boy is either in love with me and
dont know how to handle it i know i stated that i
usually attract the ones that are sexually confused, but
the confusion is alwayz if they want to be in this
lifestyle or not...not necessarily pertaining to me.
this is something totally different to me...or is it..i
dunnoo..can u help a bruh wit a lil clarity.. bsides i d
like to hear your take on things..thanks
signed
wondering
Dear
wondering I am not usually intimidated but after reading
your problem I was at a lost of where to really start
with you my brother. Let me explain. I read your letter
and I looked for what it is that you are really seeking
to understand. In your case the answer you seek delves
into those mysteries of life that don't have an easy
answer. Therefore helping you means that I have to go
deep with you. With that said, let me start with an
observation.
Just
from what you have written and how you have written it;
I can clearly see that deep down you would like to see
yourself as a prize or a treasure to others and because
of which you only want to give yourself to those whom
you have determined are worthy of you. Keep in mind that
wanting to see your self as a prize and really believing
that you are one are two different things! This
kind of issue normally means that you have struggled
with understanding what really determines the real value
of a person. The struggle comes about because what you
feel on the inside about what really makes a person
valuable is not validated by others around you. You
inherently feel that others have very superficial values
and on some level as much you would like to believe
otherwise you resent that others may see you as lacking
those things that are superficially valued. So over time
you have come to see yourself more from the inside
out. However seeing things from outside in is more the norm of
the gay black community. And so you often feel over
looked or even dismissed by those who value looks, or
body or some other superficial aspect. A disconnect was
bound to happen.
I
don't know you personally but I can tell by what you
have written that upon meeting others you immediately
come to certain conclusions about them; especially gay
people. This is not good and indicates you are overly
analytical. Some see this trait in you as fault finding
and gay black people are particularly sensitive to
others seeing fault in them. Others realize that you are
good at giving advice once they get to know you because
of your ability to be analytical. You are not aware
at times but you seem given to being critical of others
and you broadcast this alot more than you know! The
reaction of others to you shows this to be true. Sadly
instead of you seeing this as others trying to defend
themselves, you have instead perceived their actions
as rejecting you and so your self value has been
damaged but not your self esteem. See if your self
esteem were damaged you would accept this treatment and
feel like you didn't deserve any better. But this is
obviously not true. However, your self value has been
damaged and now you are living with the scars on
the inside my brother.
How
do I know you are scarred? Well look at the people whom
you are attracting to yourself and whom you are willing
to date. Believe it or not they tell me everything
I need to know about what's going on with you right
now. In your own words you said," Its the bruhs
on the streets, the thugs, drug dealers, guys wit
girlfriend /wives or guys struggling with some type of
sexuality issue that are the ones that usually push up
and chek up on a bruh." The reason you are
attracting this type of male is because you are
vulnerable. You are vulnerable because your self value
has been compromised. And its not so much that you
attract these brothers as it is that you are open to
them.
The brother you are dating
used to at least have sex with you when your self value
was better but now even he treats you like you are not
good enough to go all the way with. This indicates you
have allowed your issues into the relationship. I can
tell by his not having sex with you that he does not
feel valued by you but he is willing to show you
affection and continue to be in your life because he
knows you respect him and his situation. And as much as
he would want to share himself with you he must defend
himself against you because the thing that really drew
him to you in the first place was that he felt a sense
of self value with you. Many gay black men cannot value
or even respect this kind of black man because they know
that men like him who have a girl friend on the side, or
are married and at the same time secretly deal
with men have a real self value issue going on and that
spells drama. Believe me when I say that the
people you get involved with say everything about you
whether you realize it or not. But how he is
treating you, and how you feel gay people are treating
you are not as important as how you are treating
yourself. If there were one thing I could get you to
realize then it would be that others are mirroring your
attitude back to you. But I know that you don't see
it.
And
so your answer is not an easy one due to the complexity
of your character and mental makeup. The
question is will you be able to see
that others are treating you like you are treating them.
Can you see how without really realizing it you have
allowed yourself to slip into becoming judgmental?
No doubt you would see this in one of your friends and
it would be very clear to you what the solution is but
its always much easier to not practice what you preach.
But to be honest the kind of correction that is needed
in you is much deeper than your friends. Yes it may be
the same principle with them, but no it is not the same
application due to your much greater intellect and soul
development. Unlike your friends your answer is not in
your mind but rather in your heart. See there are things
in a person's mind that will conflict with things in a
person's heart. For example, if I were to say that the
day must come when you can only see the good in others
around you. I'm sure that in your mind there is a
natural questioning of this statement. Why is this?
Because true goodness is not a thing of the mind but
rather it is a thing of the heart. The more goodness
that you can see in others than the more goodness will
be seen in you. As you more and more come to accept
yourself and all people, things and situations as they
are and as you are. As you more and more see only the
good in yourself and in all people, things and
situations then the more you will become seen as good;
the more you will receive goodness from others. As you
more and more find the good ness in your heart you will
more and more refuse to allow yourself to be filled with
any negative, judgmental, or critical thoughts or
opinions of others and of you yourself and this will be
regardless of what your mind says then more and more you
will truly understand the words of the Master when he
said that the Kingdom of Heaven is within you. As I said
earlier I was going to go deep with you because nothing
else is going to help you. And you will see this.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What
up Yancey .......................................................
I
need advice really bad I've been datin a cat for a year
and a half and I knew I was in love when I first meet
him and every thing was super good. Three
months into the relationship I found out right b4 we
meet he started seein a cat and after we started seein
each other he continued to see him even though he told
me he wasn't seein any one to make a long story short
after all the drama which I realy hate I continued to
see him I actually loved him wit all my heart every
thing has been good until last month the dude he was
seein strated internet stalkin me he would send me
emails instant messages and all not really sayin
anything but tryin to befreind me he even got my new
cell number which I changed cause I knew he had the old
one I also found out that my dude had seen him on more
than one ocassion to make a long story short the
question I have is should I at least leave some sort of
communication on why I'm through wit the relationship
cause I'm seriously finished I've been loyal but I have
to say the last couple of months have been hard I've
made numorus attempts to mess around but couldn't bring
myself to do it for a couple of reasons the main being
me not beleavin in cheatin should I have some form of
conversation wit this dude or should I just walk away
Signed In love but through
My brother like
every posting that I choose to answer, I went through
your posting carefully to see what it is that you are
really asking me. I know others reading your story will
think you have a problem choosing whether to break off
or try to stay in a relationship that has some real
issues; however, I see more here. So lets get started.
First of all you said that when you first met him
you knew you were in love. This tells me alot
about you. I could fill pages just on that statement
alone but I will focus on the most serious
implications.
My brother
everything that looks good is not necessarily good for
you! See you didn't fall in love with him. You fell for
an appearance of something good without any real effort to get to know him first! So issue number one is that without you really
realizing it you have some misplaced values. Why do I say
this? Well only a brother with misplaced values will fall in
love when they first meet someone and not consider what
is behind that look before they open their hearts. Issue
number two, poor self value almost always goes hand and
hand with low self esteem.
Your lack of
self esteem shows when you admit that 3 months
into the relationship, you found out that he has been
cheating since the beginning and yet you continued
to see him. In fact you said that you actually love him.
No you don't love him! Why do I say this? My
brother you don't even love yourself. See if you had any
real self esteem you wouldn't be writing asking whether
to stay with him or not. What you have is a real need
to be loved but until you give that love and respect to yourself
first others will not give it to you.
In addition you
said that you don't believe in cheating and yet you
allow him to cheat. My brother it doesn't take a rocket
scientist to see you need to get some self respect. Its
sad but in an almost made for Jerry Springer situation
you find yourself in conflict with another self
esteemed challenged brother and the two of you see each
other as the problem. I won't even ask how he got your
cell phone number, your email, and your instant
messenger profile. But as is the case in almost every
instance, you are no doubt one of the most good hearted
and caring brothers that any one could ever meet and no
doubt the circumstances of your life and being a male attracted to other males have
contributed greatly to your struggles but regardless my
brother you have to at some point start learning how to
love yourself enough to know that you deserve better. No
doubt this brother you are with is handsome, he is sexy,
he is confidant, he is the bomb in bed because if he
wasn't this whole situation wouldn't be going down! But
is he worth the heartache? Can you be happy living a
lie? Can you honestly be satisfied being abused?
So we find
ourselves back at the beginning. You asked whether you
should just walk away or have a conversation with him?
Well I think you should have a conversation with him
because at this time its obvious that you do not have
what it takes to respect and love yourself enough to
walk away. Hopefully you will prove me wrong.....
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sup
Yancey,
Well I need some serious
advice. I am 18 and at the moment partly on the low( i
have told 3 ppl about me) and imma big dude. I am not
ugly but not what bruthaz today think of as fine( i
always get the cute face for a big dude line). I
am a good dresser, well educated and a humble and down
to earth brutha. I've been in the life since I was
15 and it's hard to find a bro who's into me. I
mean i fit the qualifications but my hold back is my
height and stature(but i am secure with myself though).
So Yancey i ask is it possible for a big dude to find a
guy these days cuz up until now I'm convinced no? Also,
I don't look at looks (i wonder why lol) and its like
the stereotyped BBW's mindset is given to big men also
in the Life. Dudes think we are low self esteemed , big
nasty, and slow men because of our "appearence".
So you got any way of explaining this situation to me
cuz right now I'm lost.
signed big
dude and confused.
My brother when
I read your email I was saddened. But not saddened so
much for you but for the gay black community as a whole.
I am old enough to remember the gay black community from
the 1970's and 80's and the way you are being treated
would have been unheard of back then! Why? Because we
were a community in every sense of that word and we had
real love for each other. I could write on and on about
that world but due to many factors that world
is gone and now there just seems to be a generation of
young black men who have every identification issue one
can imagine. And it is the kind hearted, intelligent,
beautiful young black men like you who fall victim to
the madness. But your struggle, your journey, your fight
goes beyond your appearance. My brother this about your soul.
Deep down on the inside first and foremost you have to
realize the treasure and gift you are to this world and
you can't waiver. This has to become a real truth
to you.
Even though you
are trying to hide it and I can see you are hurting. For
example you say you
are lost when understanding the actions of others, and that your hold back is your
height and stature but then you turn around and say that
you are secure with yourself. This is called
contradiction my brother. You can't be secure with
yourself and be confused at the same time. Believe me
others only treat you as you treat yourself. And if you
were as secure as you say you are then you wouldn't need
advice because you would already know the answers. But I
can tell you don't know and more seriously because of
your high intelligence this is particularly frustrating
for you and this leads to the confusion and the feelings
of not understanding others. So in addition to being lost and
confused; the need to tell me you are secure with
yourself shows that you have become defensive. No doubt
you have a reason to be defensive seeing how you have
been made to feel! As you say others see you as slow,
big nasty, low self esteemed. The very brothers
who make you feel this way are even more lost then you
but aren't even intelligent enough to know it. Hence the
term ignorance is bliss. So why is an obviously
intelligent, seem like you are together brother like you
confused? Well its simple you haven't seen the light.
What is the light? It is the truth. What is the
truth? It is that God knew you could handle this
situation and more importantly in his love he allowed
your life to be even harder because he knew that in the
end it would bring out the very best in you. Believe me
when I tell you that when you find the love deep inside
yourself, when you realize that even if others forsake
you that His love will lift you up then and only
then will you know that you can never be lost.
I have
known big brothers and and believe me there wasn't a man
they couldn't have because they knew the truth. So yes
when others are cruel to you tell them "Yes I am
big but I'm gonna make it...I'm gonna be ok because I
have big heart." And when they see they can't hurt
you...when they see you know the truth about
yourself...then you will understand the meaning of that
old saying...that when you know the truth....then the
truth will set you free! See its a lie that your height
and weight are holding you back. Its a lie that you
can't find the brother for you. The truth is that you
are holding you back because you don't know the truth.
Do you really think God would put you in this
world and not have a strong handsome loving black man
out there who doesn't want to be with you and who cannot
appreciate a brother of substance like yourself? No no!
Man he is out there but believe me when I say
that you need to know the truth first before he can find
you. See that truth will be like a light and it
will guide him to you. My brother your journey ain't
gonna be easy but its not impossible. All things are
possible if you would just believe!
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wut up Yancey
Ima
young black male that needs ya help. I met someone on
this very site, and i just wanted to ask you some
questions. We met about 2 or 3 weeks after we
started talkin on the site, and everything has been goin
so gud. It's like it's almost unreal, untrue. We see
eachother like 3 or 4 times a week he lives like about
an hour n a half away but we still chill. We talk
everyday, and we help eackotha out. He's helping me tah
get a car, and I helped him tah get a job, n stay out o
jail. I just wanted tah ask, are we goin too fast bein
dat it's only been like a month?lol. Can two men have a
relationship with just them? no cheating? Can they click
and fall n love that fast? How can i tell if he really
loves me when he says it, cuz lord knows i mean it when
i tell him. How can i not let past relationships get n
the way of ours? I've been hurt too many times. Get at
please!!!! P.S. Just wantd tah tell muh boi dat i love
him, n ima always b down 4 him.
signed
Flawda Boi
My brother are
you asking for help or sending a shout out to your
boyfriend??? If you really need advice then I will say
this. There are no guarantees in love. You have to take
the good with the bad and have hope that it will last.
Some of the questions you are asking are best answered
by you. Will the past hurt your relationship? Yes if you
let it. Can two brothers click and fall in love that
fast? You tell me. How do you know if he really loves
you? This depends on your definition of love. At
this stage of the relationship what the two of you are
feeling is more about being in love than true love. Real
love is a result as opposed to being in love
which is a cause. Falling in love causes
two people to began a journey that in time can result
in true love.
Once the
newness of the relationship wears off and you two come
to know each other better and as is the way of life
things happen to test the strength of your bond then you
will know if what have is true love. However I will say
this in favor of your relationship my brother. The two
of you not only have the in love feeling which give you
cause but something in addition that most male on male
couples do not have which is purposefulness which gives
you hope. In other words your relationship has a purpose
beyond sex and intimacy. The two of you seem to be quite
helpful in assisting each other to achieve goals and as
result your relationship has meaning. If two brothers
mean something to each other then that will go a long
way to keeping them together. Relationships that lack
purpose invariably lack meaning and therefore are over
even if the two brothers don't realize it. So ask
yourself what does he mean to me? Ask him what do I mean
to you? The answer to those questions will let you know
if what you two have will last.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sup Yancey
I'm an 18 year old "soon to be college student", who has been experiencing life on the dl for quite some time now. I was raised in a strict Christian home whose morals are
strictly against bisexuality, so I pretend to love p*ssy more than d*ck. But I will make this short. My first true sexual experience of any kind was with a male who happens to be one of my good friends. I was a virgin going into the ninth grade and because of the "rep" that my family had, I was expected to be one of the biggest players in school, but because of the respect that I have for women, I was quite the opposite. Anyway one night one thing led to another and after an interesting conversation, my friend and I shared a memorable sexual experience together and things haven't been the same since then. Since this moment happened, I haven't talked with or even attempted to do anything else with him. We still remained close throughout highschool because we played on the same bball team and we hang out every now and then, but not like "that". You see he is a big time pimp and I know that he's not willing to give the p*$sy up for one of his homeboys. But the problem is that I feel as if I have been some what limited since this experience. Sure I have done things in the five year period with other females and males but none of them can compare to him. He had a passion and style that I will never forget.( that's been almost 5 years ago and I'm still sprung lol) I vowed to myself that I would comfront him about the experience (because he acts as if nothing ever happened) in order to completely get over what happened. Now we have graduated together and I still have dreams and fantasies about him every night and I don't want a past "fling" to conflict with a future relationship. What should I do? Should I contact him and let him know that something did happen after all these years or should I just forget about it and hope my "first" will eventually become the "last" thing on my mind?
Signed, anonymously confused.
My brother your
situation at first sight seems complicated because it
seems you are trying to bring about a situation that
cannot happen in your world or his. So lets get to the
bottom of what is really going on here and hopefully you
will find some direction to go in. First I find it
particularly interesting that you said,"
I know that he's not willing to give the p*$sy up for one of his
homeboys." Why must he give up pussy to be with
you? This is important because it shows even if
he were to have sex with you again you would not be
happy with just that. Also
it reveals that you are a possessive type of brother.
Deep down bro you want him all to yourself and it is
important that you realize and admit this to
yourself.
Secondly it
stands out when you said," He had a passion and style that I will never
forget." This is very important because it
shows where your values are. That you appreciate passion
and style in sex shows you have an above average
emotional development. In other words you are the type
of brother that must connect emotionally to others
before you are fully stimulated. In your case it is
clear why the men and women after him come up short
because you are still emotionally fixated on your
first.
That you have
respect for females even though your environment clearly
is not inline with this sentiment shows strength of
character. But this same strength of character leads me
to when you said," I vowed to myself that I would
confront him about the experience (because he acts as if nothing ever happened) in order to completely get over what
happened." Is it that you need to be
validated by him? In a brother with a weak character I
would say your need to confront him is due to
frustration and validation but in your case this is
about anger due to a perceived rejection. But as is the
case anger is often the most misdirected emotion. Yes
you are angry because you feel rejected but being angry
with him will not help you get over him. What you really
need is to see the bigger picture so let me spell it out
for you . First of all this brother never promised you
anything but in fact has given you everything by showing
you the pinnacle that you can reach. What you shared
with him is something that many brothers never
experience in a lifetime. It is not the length of things
that matter but their height. Second Believe it or not
that passion and that style he had was because you
enabled him to reach that height with you . This has a
hidden torment because you may wonder if there are other
males and maybe you just were not good enough instead of
seeing the beautiful moment you two had. In other words
you wonder if it was as good for him as is was for you.
His not talking about it inclines you to feel the worse.
And its the not knowing what he really felt that keeps
you stuck. So let me say this. Any brother that can pimp
women is low in every respect but you brought out the
very best in him and he in you. That he hasn't talked
about it shows a weak character. Again opposites
attract. But the reality is he knows he cannot be what
you would need him to be and this is why he doesn't talk
about it. Opposites always attract. As you said you
continue to have fantasies about him. This lets me know
that he is more likely to understand that it was best to
stop where it did. You haven't lived long enough to
know this but normally after guys like you two have sex
there is no friendship afterwards. That he continues to
speak with you and hang out with you shows that what
happened between the two of you was good for him but he
is not ready and may never be ready to live a gay
lifestyle You yourself admitted to being on the DL so
you are in no better boat yourself to live a gay
lifestyle because until you come out of the closet, you
are not being completely up front with yours either. In
other words my brother you want something that you have
not given enough thought as to how it will affect both
your lives. But you are all that my brother and believe
me when I say you deserve more than what this brother
can give you. Get your education and make your life a
success! And believe me with your qualities an even
better brother is coming any day now.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
|
Shunned
because he was homosexual. Nevertheless becoming the
civil rights leader who organized the
march on Washington, led the first
freedom rides, and instructed Dr. King
on how to overcome hatred by using
non-violence. Just because the black
community rejects us doesn't mean
that it doesn't need us! Read more by
clicking here. |
|
HEY YANCEY,
WAD
UP MAN. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN
GIVE ME A LITTLE ADVICE ABOUT LIVING ON THE DOWN LOW
,MAINLY I WANT TO LEARN THE SIGNS. I JUST TURNED
18 AND I WANT TO START EXPERIENCE THE LIFE. I THINK BY
LEARNING THE SIGNS I WOULD BE ABLE TO GET OTHER NIGGAS
ATTENTION AND AT THE SAME TIME I WOULDKNOW IF THEY ARE
SENDING ME SIGNALS.
SIGNED
GRENADIANPRINCE
My brother
before I address your issue I want you to read the
following part of an article about a black woman
trying to spot black men on the DL.
|
Around February, I gave a nice guy the boot because he raised too many flags. On the surface, he looked like a good catch. Smart. Funny. Interesting. But I had a lingering feeling. My down-low suspicion hung over him.
We were eating pizza and talking about family the first time he got really excited and starting waving his arms while he was talking. I nearly fell out of my chair. I knew the rapid arm movement meant something, even if I hadn't read that it was a direct sign of the down low. He also had some unexplained absences when he said he would be home. I quickly branded him a "possible" and debated whether to immediately end the relationship.
It wasn't long before another flag rose when I noticed his astute sense of fashion and interior decorating was better than mine. While I had no idea whether that was a legitimate reason to run, I did.
For weeks I played around with scenarios in my mind about how to officially end the relationship. Telling someone that you suspect him of a down-low life is just as hard as asking whether your intuitions are correct. So I took the easy route. I told him it was bad timing. I said it was all about me and not him.
Part of me wishes that I'd told him the truth. Maybe I was wrong, and he wasn't on the down low. Maybe he didn't know that he was being branded a "possible" and giving off down-low signals. Maybe I could have saved him from possibly being branded wrongly again.
But if I was right, my down-low surveillance, along with elevations from my girlfriends, just paid off.
This
article was taken from cleveland.com.
|
Now to your
question about which signs let you know if a brother
is DL, I will say this. There are no signs! And if you
choose to disbelieve what I am saying you are going to
end up looking just as stupid and even more ignorant than the woman in this
article.
From: AJ
As a man about to turn 40...i been around a minute or
two and dealt with my own "coming out
issues" in the early eighties. My advice
would be this: First, if you have come out to
yourself thats all that really matters. Being
out in society or dl is another ball and chain.
Just get on with the businees of life and feel good
about you from with-in. Don't sucumb to the
pressures of others to "come out" or
"stay DL". Follow your own instinct
and feel good about your decision.
Rhythmically yours,
AJ
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEY YANCEY,
I AM REALLY HAVING A PROBLEM TRYING TO FIND THE RIGHT NIKKA OUT THERE. FIRST OF ALL I AM INDEPENDENT AND I AM HAVING A PROBLEM WITH NIKKA THAT JUST WONT BE FAITHFUL TO YOU. DONT GET IT WRONG NOW I AM FINE AND HAVE SOME GOOD ASS. BUT WHERE DO U FIND THE GOOD ONES AT. I AM A PERSON THAT JUDGES PEOPLE BY THERE ACTION INSTEAD OF THERE WORDS. AND IF YOU PLAY A GAME ON ME I WILL GET U OUT OF MY LIFE. I AM SO TIRED TRYING TO FIND THE RIGHT NIKKA. I SEE WHY WOMEN OUT THERE ARE COMPLAINING THAT THERE IS NOT ANY GOOD MEN OUT THERE. ALL I AM LOOKING FOR IS JUST A GOOD NIKKA THAT WANTS TO DO RIGHT THATS IS ALLL ABOUT ME. AND THAT CATERS 2 ME. I AM A BOTTOM SO I LOVE TO GET THAT BONE EVERY NOW AND THEN. SO IS IT ME
?
SIGNED WPBCUTEST
My brother the answer to your
question is yes! You are the problem! Any brother that
describes himself as WPBCUTEST is not the kind
of brother that others are going to invest serious
feelings in. Like too many brothers who are gay and nice
looking you forget that true beauty is inward first and
foremost. And you like them find yourself being treated
less than what you feel you deserve. For example in your
message you were quick to point out that you are fine
and you got some good ass. Join the crowd! If you
think your looks and your ass will bring you happiness
then I'm sorry to tell you otherwise because they will
not. Its ok to be confident but nothing is more
beautiful than humility. Furthermore that, "I am
independent," line is a sure give away for a self
centered person with emotional baggage. You got issues
bro! No doubt every man you hook with is paying for all
the mistakes of the brothers in your past. I know its
true because of how you identify with women who claim
there are no good men left. But don't feel
badly because damn near most of the gay black community
has issues. We judge others all the time for how big their
dick is, or how fat their ass is, or how cute their face
is. As a community our values are very misplaced.
And that's why HIV/AIDS is highest in our community and
we are the least empowered. So I say to you and all the
brothers that feel that there are no good black men left
that if you want to find the right brother you
have to become the right brother yourself first.
Remember, the people you draw in your life and how they
treat you says everything about who you are whether you
understand it or not. Believe me when I say that the
right brother is out there for you but you have be on
his level before he can come into your life. So
my brother work on becoming someone that others can
treasure for a lifetime because those looks you have
aren't doing much for you. Are they?
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo Yancey,
I am a black male 19 years old restin
my head in Atlanta but I am originally out
of Brick City. I came to Atlanta to be a Rapper. Since I been
here I have
done opening shows for Loon and some other rappers thats up in
comin in the business.
At the shows peeps be tellin me all the time that
I'm gonna blow up next because of my flow. But Yancey I have
real problem. I been fuckin nigguhs even though I am straight.
Don't get it twisted cuz
fuckin nigguhs is about survival. Feel me? But then shit got
worse after I got invited to a after party by a rapper that is a
monster in da game.
I won't say his name
but a really big time New York rapper invited me to a party and there was no females there! I couldn't believe that
shit but I played it off! But then I saw some young headz from the NBA.
Man I was fucked up.
Since that party shit been botherin me.
Imma be straight up yo. I met a brother there that I can't get off my
mind. Feel me? We didn't fuck but I wanted too. He is a up and
comin
rapper like me. Since the party we been hangin. Bro got skillz. But this shit ain't right! Yancey
have I been turned gay? I am confused because I love pussy. So
how can I be gay???
Signed Confused
My brother first of all I am in the business myself and I
know all about the after party you are talking about so I know
you are not making stuff up. Second I agree that you are confused
and any brother who is not born gay can find having gay
sex confusing at first. However as for you turning gay I
will say this. Unlike animals human beings can make choices. And
it seems that for whatever reasons you have made a choice to open
your heart to the brother you met at the party and because of
how you met him things have taken on a sexual tone. This
no doubt confuses you because up till now you been having
sex for money. And the excuse you been saying to
yourself is," I am doing this for
money so I know I am not gay". But then you meet this
brother and want to give him freely what others have had
to pay for. No doubt that new feeling blew you away
because you never would have believed you could ever
feel that way.
I will play
psychologist and say that you met a fellow rapper who is up and
coming like yourself and no doubt you relate to him and to his
situation. Under normal circumstances the two of you would just
be boys and play football or some other contact sport that
facilitates male bonding but you didn't meet him under normal
circumstances. Furthermore now that you have had sex with other
males you realize that ballin could never bring two brothers as
close as when they are making love. And to me this is why you wanted to fuck him. Think about it.
You moved away from home and therefore away from all the support
home represents. You find yourself in survival mode having sex with men to make
ends meet even though as you say you love pussy. You are young.
No doubt you see in the brother you met someone who is in all
likelihood in your circumstance (straight
brother caught up in a gay world) and so you wanted to reach
out. Adding it up all together my brother I will say
you are just looking for some love. From time to time
many brothers and sisters choose to deal with someone of
the same sex but such a choice does not change
your orientation but it does change your
lifestyle. Many gay brothers who were not born gay
have found themselves having feelings for a sister and
this confuses them. Some of them even end up married but
believe me when I say that having sex with a woman and
getting married neither makes them straight or even bisexual.
They are just gay men who have made a choice to live a straight lifestyle
because deep down they are still attracted to males first and foremost just
like you are still attracted to females. So no you have not been turned gay. You are just a human being making a choice.
If you need advice for your
own problem or would like to give this brother some
advice click here.
.....................................Yancey Martin is a celebrity
news column writer. For those, who remember The Celebrity
News Letter publication, Yancey is no stranger to
you.
|
Yancey,
